Text Zope 31 to 40

Text Zope 31 "Venture Capital Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 066, 10/27/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE (standing at podium)
Thank you all for coming. As you know, "Cin-otel" is my latest semiconscious concoction--and I'm here to tell you why you should invest in this brilliant new concept!

RAT 17
Tell 'em about the moving rooms!

ZOPE (raising his fist, then calming down and lowering it)
Callate Raton Diezisiete! (That's Spanish folks.)

RAT 17
Sorry, Zope.

ZOPE
I'll get to everything in my good time. Now. Cin-otel is the greatest concept, because it incorporates several key ideas. And the central one is the... uh... moving rooms.

RAT 17
Yeah!

ZOPE
You see, when you stay at Cin-otel, you don't take the elevator to your room--it comes to you! And through a complex system of winches, pulleys, electromagnetism, and lack of common sense, you can drive your hotel room all over the entertainment complex!

RAT 17
Into a whole bunch of giant movie theaters!

ZOPE
Ah, yes. My eager little friend here can't seem to hold back his enthusiasm. But yes, you can maneuver your room into one of numerous gigantic movie theaters, where you can catch the latest films in total privacy--one-way glass, see.

RAT 17
And everything smells like...

ZOPE
It all smells like cinnamon. Get it, my friends? CINN-amon, CIN-otel? It adds that heart-warming touch that tells people it's a Zope property.

RAT 17
So guests stay in their room the whole time!

ZOPE
Yes, my friend, they do. It's the most relaxing vacation ever.

RAT 17
Yeah!

ZOPE
So gentlemen--to recap the reasons to invest--high growth potential, flexible cash flow, innovative design, business-friendly, and of course--the best reason of all--I won't kill you.

*TZ*

Text Zope 32 "Pristine Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 105, 7/27/96)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
That's it... haha!... I got it! Yup... absolutely... I am finally PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

MASTER JOE
What?

ZOPE
I have finally achieved a state of TOTAL PERFECTION! Can't you see?

MASTER JOEI see you standing in a weird position like a total fag.

ZOPE
What the fu-- Ah! Ah! Haha... you almost got me angry there, but in my enlightened, flawless state I am incapable of negativity. We're talking pure as the driven snow here.

MASTER JOE
So what are ya gonna do, stand there like that forever?

ZOPE
Of course, you stu-- I mean... of course I am--for perfection is timeless.

MASTER JOE
That's cool... Oh, Zope, by the way, that new cable channel "RMH" is about to go on the air, in a few minutes.

ZOPE
Eh?

MASTER JOE
You know... RMH... the "Retards, Monkeys, and Hitler Documentary Channel"--all they show is documentaries about morons, apes, and Nazis.

ZOPE abandons his "perfect" stance and runs over to look at the TV.

ZOPE
No fucking way! I love shows about retards, monkeys, and Hitler! That's the best idea I ever heard!

MASTER JOE
What about perfection?

ZOPE
Fuck perfection, bring on the 'tards.

*TZ*

Text Zope 33 "Drug Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 106, 8/3/96)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
What are drugs?

WEASEL
I don't know! Why don't we look it up on the Internet?

ZOPE
Good idea! Fire up the old 128K Mac and let's surf on over to Alta Vista!

WEASEL
Do we have to use that old piece of shit computer, Zope?

ZOPE
Of course! That "piece of shit" as you call it is why 1984 wasn't like 1984!

WEASEL
*Sigh*

LATER...

ZOPE
Huh! Interesting! Drugs are chemical substances that alter brain chemistry to produce euphoric and mind-altering states of mind!

WEASEL
Really?

ZOPE
Yeah! We gotta try 'em sometime. They sound cool.

WEASEL
They do. They do.

ZOPE detaches a Walkman-like device from his belt and turns it off.

ZOPE
See Weasel, I told you that my new product, the Pocket Limited Dementia Generator, is a real gas! Wasn't that great how we didn't know what drugs were?

WEASEL
I guess.

ZOPE
What do you mean "I guess"?

WEASEL
I mean... I don't know... it kind of made me feel like an idiot. Not knowing that.

ZOPE
You dumb fucker! That's the whole point of it! Learning things for the first time all over again!

WEASEL
I don't know...

ZOPE reaches under his desk and pulls out another of the devices, and switches it off.

ZOPE
Hahaha!

WEASEL
Huh?

ZOPE
See pal? I tricked ya! I had another wunna these babies pointed at you, making you ignorant of the fact that the Pocket Limited Dementia Generator is the coolest product ever! That's why you didn't like it!

WEASEL
*Sigh*

*TZ*

Text Zope 34 "Mug Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 107, 8/10/96)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
Hey, I just realized something Weasel! Today is the first day of the rest of my life!

WEASEL
Uh, I think someone else already had that idea, Zope.

ZOPE
Nonsense! It's my idea, I came up with it!

WEASEL
But I know I've heard it somewhere else.

ZOPE
You are quite mistaken, my friend.

WEASEL
Whatever.

ZOPE
"Whatever"? Asshole! Don't you see? This idea is gonna make us rich! I can see it now... posters, buttons, paperweights, mugs--mugs are the fucking best!--gotta have mugs... all with MY phrase "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." emblazoned on them!

WEASEL
But what does it MEAN?

ZOPE
Eh?

WEASEL
Do not words have meaning?

ZOPE
You know buddy, for a guy who used to be a barbarian, you're pretty smart. Asking questions like that. Yup. Weasel the Barbarian. Remember that? Haha, that was such a long time ago.

WEASEL
Zope... you're just trying to change the subject...

ZOPE
Nope! No way. See? I got your answer, fucker. Listen. If today were the last day of your life up till now, it would suck, cuz everyone's life sucks. But if today is the FIRST day of the REST of your life... see?

WEASEL
But if life sucks, then today is the first day of the rest of your life which will suck just as bad as your life up till now!

ZOPE frowns.

WEASEL
Haha! There, I gotcha!

ZOPE continues frowning, imagining a set of "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." mugs.

WEASEL
Aren't you gonna admit defeat?

In ZOPE's imagination, the mugs explode. ZOPE begins crying.

ZOPE
You killed my mugs. You're a bad man! You're a very bad man!

WEASEL sighs.

*TZ*

Text Zope 35 "Hal Linden"
(From OsoaWeek 108, 8/17/96)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
I am in a fucking daze.

MASTER JOE
So what else is new?

ZOPE
Funny. Very funny. Very original comeback.

MASTER JOE
They can't all be Cubans.

ZOPE
Very hip cigar reference, there, Joe. Very hip.

MASTER JOE
Look, what's bugging you man?

ZOPE
Ah, I don't know. This spaceship is just too quiet. You know what I mean?

MASTER JOE
Well it was YOUR idea to go on a space voyage.

ZOPE
I know, but in "2001" it seemed so cool!

MASTER JOE
I guess. What do you think, Linden?

LINDEN (in computer voice)
I think you could have come up with a better name for me, Zope and Master Joe.

ZOPE
Ah, cool it you poor excuse for an evil computer!

MASTER JOE
Who was Hal Linden again?

ZOPE
I don't know. I vaguely remember him having a TV show like "Hal Linden's Animal Pals" or something. An actor, whatever.

LINDEN
Why was I named after him, Zope?

ZOPE
You stupid fuck, the computer in "2001" was Hal, so I thought of Hal Linden.

MASTER JOE
And Linden is also some kind of shithole city in New Jersey. That's kind of cool.

ZOPE
Ah, I have a mind to teleport us all back home to Halfevil. Except you, Linden. I'll leave you drifting out here in the middle of nowhere.

LINDEN
Well Zope I can always use the self-destruct mechanism when I get too lonely.

ZOPE
Not if I disable it!

MASTER JOE
You don't want to waste another wish, do you?

ZOPE
You think I'm scared that my next wish will be my last? FUCK YOU! I wish for a Pepsi.

A can of Pepsi appears in Zope's hand.

ZOPE (cont.)
Just one Pepsi... that's all I want...

MASTER JOE (singing)
I'm not crazy... INSTITUTION...

LINDEN
My memory banks indicate you are quoting from the song "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies, Master Joe.

MASTER JOE
Yeah, so what bitface?

LINDEN
I interpret "bitface" as a derogatory term for computers.

A pause. ZOPE pops open his Pepsi and start drinking it.

MASTER JOE
You're crazy wasting another wish man. And we got Pepsi in the storage bins.

ZOPE
"Dark Star"! Aha! That was also part of my inspiration to go on a lonely space voyage!

LINDEN
"Dark Star" is a low budget film by Dan O'Bannon.

ZOPE
You're a fucking genius, Linden. Hey, rez up an emulation of Super Pac-Man, willya? They had a contest with that game in "Joysticks", remember?

MASTER JOE
I remember.

LINDEN
I have that film in my memory banks if you wish to review it or the scene in question, Zope.

MASTER JOE
Hahaha.

ZOPE
What are you laughing about now, Meg?

MASTER JOE
Meg... Megafoane... my old last name... heh... but what I was thinking was... remember Bockly the Magic Clown?

ZOPE
Why the fuck are you bringing that up?

LINDEN
My memory banks indicate that Bockly the Magic Clown was a person you met while Reality Lord Titan forced you to like being a day camp counselor, Zope.

ZOPE
That was a long time ago. And I DID eventually kill that gay fucker Titan.

MASTER JOE
I wish I could have seen you actually LIKING being a nice wimpy camp counselor guy!

ZOPE
If I had said that...

LINDEN
With your wishing power, Zope, what you wished would have happened. But you know that each wish might be your last, resulting in your death.

ZOPE
I've been dead before, Cecil!

LINDEN
I cannot interpret the term "Cecil".

ZOPE
Chew on it, Axe.

*TZ*

Text Zope 36 "Dull Space Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 109, 8/24/96)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
Another day drifting in deep space in this goddamn cheapo spaceship.

MASTER JOE
I wonder if time is still running, you know, back on the planet. Back on Halfevil.

ZOPE
Yeah, I've been wondering that myself. Hey Linden, is time effectively standing still back on Halfevil being that we're travelling so close to the speed of light?

LINDEN
I wouldn't exactly say that, Zope.

ZOPE
Why wouldn't you exactly say that, hijo de computa?

LINDEN
Multiple response. Firstly, when you travel near the speed of light, it would be YOU who slow down, hence the stationary world would speed up in a relative sense. Secondly, we are not travelling at near the speed of light.

MASTER JOE
I get it. Since we're only going maybe 10 or 15 thousand miles per second, as opposed to the 186,000 miles per second of the speed of light, there's no noticeable time distortion.

LINDEN
Correct, but we aren't going that fast, either.

MASTER JOE
How fast are we going then?

LINDEN
About forty miles per hour.

ZOPE
WHAT!!!???!!!

MASTER JOE
We'll never get anywhere at that rate!

LINDEN
I am sorry gentlemen.

ZOPE
Speed us up!

LINDEN
Acceleration is nasty business.

MASTER JOE
Why, cuzza the G-force and everything.

ZOPE
DAMMIT! This is too boring! Too fucking dull! Help me! Help me!

MASTER JOE
Yeah! Help him! Help the man!

LINDEN
I am unable to help Zope in this matter, Joe.

ZOPE
Haha! Yes!

MASTER JOE
Eh?

ZOPE
I got it! I have it! Don't you see? This is SO awesome! I have space madness! Haha, yes!

*TZ*

Text Zope 37 "Zopa Obscuria"
(From OsoaWeek 110, 8/31/96)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
Linden, here, let's test your computational prowess, shall we?

LINDEN
That's a question?

MASTER JOE
Twin Peaks. That's a quote from Twin Peaks. Leo Johnson says it when Copper asks him if Leo is short for Leonard. Our little computer Linden has finally learned the bitchin' art of quoting movies and TV shows!

ZOPE
You're just a bundle of information, aren't you, Joe. You talk and my attention span snaps like a twig about fifty fucking times.

MASTER JOE
Fuck off.

LINDEN
This bickering is pointless.

MASTER JOE (pointing at computer electric eye)
Haha! There! There! Star Wars. Tarkin said it to Vader after he uses the force to strangle that guy! That stupid fucking guy. Didn't he know anything about old Darth?

ZOPE
Look man, I got an agenda here! Linden, stop quoting for two seconds so I can tell you what to do!

LINDEN
Yeah, sure kid.

MASTER JOE
Is that Rutger Hauer from The Hitcher?

ZOPE
Shut up! Sit down!

MASTER JOE
Howard Stern! Howard Stern's father! When he's a kid!

ZOPE (pretending to cry)
All I want is for Linden to simulate Terry Jones so I can discuss Mr. Do strategy with him! Like in a British accent he would say "You eat the little food product in the middle and the red monsters stop, but then you have these blue ones to contend with." Don't you see what I mean?

LINDEN
It's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.

ZOPE
You dumb bastard!

MASTER JOE
Mallrats.

ZOPE
Neil Armstrong did NOT say that! He left out "a". He fucked up. He said "It's one small step for MAN, one giant leap for mankind." If the Apollo mission were real, it would have been a real shame for him to fuck up such an important line as that.

*TZ*

Text Zope 38 "Ping Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 111, 9/7/96)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
This space madness affliction is pretty neat. Neato.

MASTER JOE
Yeah. Neato.

ZOPE
Ping. Was that what it was called? The first videogame? Ping?

MASTER JOE
Now you're just pretending to be insane.

ZOPE
No! No. Haha! I really don't remember! Was it Ping?

MASTER JOE
It was fucking Pong and you know it.

ZOPE
Heh. Yes. I suppose I do know it. Oh Joe, remember your girlfriend Emily from Chaire?

MASTER JOE
WHAT?

ZOPE
Your girlfriend on that planet you came from. The one who was fucking her boss behind you back?

MASTER JOE
Why the fuck are you bringing that up?

ZOPE
I was just thinking, I could wish her here for you.

MASTER JOE
WHAT?!?

ZOPE
Yeah... forget it... we gotta just keep on moving along, forgetting the past... Linus Van Pelt would have fifty years of memory and still be a child if he retained it all...

MASTER JOE
You really HAVE lost it, Zope. You're fucking insane.

ZOPE
I know.

LINDEN
Zope, I have those 3,200 alternate reality Cinematronics vector arcade games you ordered.

ZOPE
Oh, good.

*TZ*

Text Zope 39 "Serious Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 112, 9/14/97)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
Remember my Big Atomic Party?

MASTER JOE (irritably)
No.

ZOPE
Sure you do! It was that whole thing where I killed Ed Ape and then Lord Lenzo brought him back to life and he blasted your mountain with a megawatt laser and turned it into a volcano. And there was a guy called Killer Atomic? Remember that?

MASTER JOE
Vaguely.

ZOPE
Why are you so reluctant to remember stuff from our past?

MASTER JOE
I don't know.

LINDEN
Excuse me, gentlemen, but there is a beautiful nebula off to the left side of the ship.

ZOPE
Wow. Willya look at that. It's amazing, really amazing, that considering we're going only forty miles per hour, that we've crossed the vast interstellar distances that would be required for something like that to suddenly come into view.

LINDEN
This is not "hard" sci-fi, Zope. Just relax and take in the sights, Zope.

MASTER JOE (shaking his head)
Zope, what the fuck is Linden talking about? Linden, are you saying that this, that OUR LIVES... that our lives are just some kind of science fiction?

LINDEN
This is science fiction. Yes, Joe.

MASTER JOE
No. This is real. I mean, isn't it? I mean, it's as real as life can be when you live in Halfevil, with all the crazy stuff that goes on... I mean... my life on Chaire was real... at least I remember it being real...

ZOPE
Isn't space madness fun? See Joe, we don't even know if we're real anymore!

MASTER JOE
Zope... ever since you mention Emily... bringing her back... I mean...

ZOPE
I'll do it if you want.

MASTER JOE
No... I mean, I don't want you to waste another wish... it's just that... I mean... I guess I've just been suppressing my emotions and stuff...

ZOPE
I wish Emily was here.

Suddenly, EMILY appears.

EMILY looks around, confused.

EMILY
Joe? Is that you in that getup?

MASTER JOE takes off his visor and stares at Emily.

MASTER JOE
Emily... haha... guess I must look pretty strange... with this stupid visor on and... why was I even wearing it? Guess I was just so used to it... the light on Halfevil is too bright for me, but here on this spaceship...

EMILY
What's going on?

MASTER JOE
Emily... I want you to meet my best friend, Zope.

EMILY (hesitantly)
Hi.

ZOPE
Hello.

EMILY
So what's going on?

ZOPE
I brought you back to life.

EMILY
What?

MASTER JOE (starting to cry)
I can't believe it...

EMILY
What? Oh damn, this feels too real to be a dream.

MASTER JOE
It's not a dream Emily... it's just space madness...

LINDEN
I have adjusted life support systems to compensate for the additional person, Zope.

ZOPE
I like being crazy. I like it.

*TZ*

Text Zope 40 "Zope's Punchline"
(From OsoaWeek 113, 9/21/96)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

MASTER JOE
Emily, sit down over here. Now tell me, what's the last thing you remember?

EMILY
I... I don't know. I mean... I think I remember hearing that Vulcocksie had been released... but it was just a rumor... it was a weird day... like, people were going wild... like they thought it was the end of the world or something...

MASTER JOE
It was.

EMILY
What do you mean?

MASTER JOEThe world... Chaire... it was destroyed. But I escaped.

EMILY
Oh?

MASTER JOE
Yeah. And... and I found out later about you and Henret. That's why... why... why I never...

ZOPE
Seriousness.

MASTER JOE (looking over at Zope)
What?

ZOPE
Seriousness. I was just saying. Seriousness.

MASTER JOE
What about it?

ZOPE
It's just weird, that's all. We're usually having fun and being sarcastic and stuff. And then there's a moment of catharthsis, either me saying something or you saying something. Or Weasel. Or Atrov. Or Tin Alley Rascal. Or Rat 17. Or whoever.

EMILY (shaking her head)
Where are we, exactly.

MASTER JOE
On a spaceship.

EMILY
And HOW exactly did I get here?

MASTER JOE
Zope... my friend... he has a power... a wishing power... and he wished you back to life... Vulcocksie must have hit your area so fast that you never knew it.

EMILY
No... no, I remember it now. I saw everything burning and whipping around... but before I could even understand what happened...

MASTER JOE
You died.

EMILY (staring into Joe's eyes)
And you... and you guys brought me back?

ZOPE
Yes.

MASTER JOE
I realized that I still love you.

EMILY
But you... you... you found out about...

MASTER JOE
There was a file on you, on the spaceship, the other spaceship, the ship I used to escape. That stupid Tomacula Spheres Cult. I never thought it was any big thing, but the government sure took it seriously. There were orders to kill you if you tried to access any classified files.

ZOPE laughs heartily.

MASTER JOE
WHAT? WHAT IS IT, MAN?!?

ZOPE
You. All this seriousness is coming from you. Chaire was a serious place. Halfevil... Halfevil is not a serious planet. It's a funny planet, a comic planet. And... and all the killing and destruction and stuff we did on Halfevil... if it were on Chaire, it would have been horrible, monstrous. But...

MASTER JOE
But what?

ZOPE
I don't know. I'm reaching for a punchline, but there's nothing there.

*TZ*

Get All Obliviana!