Text Zope 21 to 30

Text Zope 21 "Zope's Curious Proposal"
(From OsoaWeek 030, 2/16/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
I wanna bash some brains. I'm pissed.

WEASEL
Now Zope, come on--the person you're rooting for on "Wheel of Fortune" can't always win!

ZOPE
You know Weasel, what you're saying makes sense at some esoteric level, but regardless, someone will pay--and pay dearly.

WEASEL
Okay Zope--how 'bout this? Why don't you channel your aggression in a positive way. Why don't we do one of your mayhem proposals?

ZOPE
Ah! Aha, yes, my friend! That's a great idea. And I know just the one... College Night 1983 Materialize-A-Dorm!

WEASEL
Uh, I'm afraid to ask, but is this one of your REALLY, REALLY involved proposals?

ZOPE
Nothing of the sort! All we need to do is time/space travel back to a college campus at night in 1983, and use a Class R dorm materializer to create a brand new, ultra cool dorm where anything goes! It's a wicked scenario, guaranteed to provide over a week's worth of entertainment. I worked it all out on paper.

WEASEL
Well, I don't know...

ZOPE
Relax pal! See, what happens is, kids start coming in, and there's all the stuff they like--drugs, alcohol, rock'n'roll, and sex-slave-androids for everyone! Soon all the students are killing each other trying to get in, and the administration gets the local police involved, and eventually the National Guard. Of course, there'll be an inexhaustible supply of small arms the kids can use to defend their stronghold!

WEASEL
So how does it all end?

ZOPE
Well I'm not through yet! After a few days of intense combat, enormous vents begin to spout forth billions and billions of dollars in cash, and the resulting rain of currency causes even more mass hysteria.

WEASEL
What then?

ZOPE
I think we'll use a Yexfloix-12 thunderstorm generator to create a perpetual thunderstorm over the school, with all these lightning strikes destroying everything! I mean, after a few days, everything is reduced to rubble, new dorm and all!

WEASEL
So everyone is killed?

ZOPE
Not at all! What we do, see, is start teleporting everyone to Ancient Rome--guns, grenades, missile launchers, and all! Think of the chaos! Think of the utter disaster!

WEASEL
Uh--what about after that?

ZOPE
Well, now here's the good part. The students, administrators, police, National Guardsmen, TV news crews, protesters, and the like eventually take over Ancient Rome and are poised to take over the rest of the world, see?

WEASEL
Yeah?

ZOPE
But then Jesus comes and kicks their ass with his superpowers!

WEASEL
Okay, okay...

ZOPE
Wait! I didn't tell you about the olive oil tidal wave, or, or, or the horde of ankylosauruses, or the deadly hail of Thor Hammers... or, or...

WEASEL
I have a better idea...

ZOPE
What?

WEASEL
Why not just break Pat Sajak's legs--wouldn't that be easier?

*TZ*

Text Zope 22 "Zope's Nudity Laundromat"
(From OsoaWeek 031, 2/23/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
Nudity is good.

WEASEL
You think?

ZOPE
Yes. I want some naked girls. Now.

WEASEL
Okay Zope, but how do you propose we get them?

ZOPE
Okay, how 'bout--uh, a free laundromat where only hot girls can enter and where you can only wash the clothes you're wearing when you enter? Hey? Pretty good plan, eh?

WEASEL
I don't know--it sounds like you're going off on one of your tangents again--making things more complicated than they need to be...

ZOPE
Nonsense! How much simpler could a plan be?

WEASEL
Okay--but what happens once the girls are naked? What do they do?

ZOPE
How should I know? They do naked girl things! Whatever! Look--who cares? I mean, with naked babes, how can you go wrong?

WEASEL
Well all right--but I still think we could go about things a little easier.

Later...

(In front of "Zope's Nudity Laundromat".)

ZOPE (using megaphone)
Step right up! Free laundry for bitchin' babes! Get naked and junk! Yes indeed ladies, a once in a lifetime offer!

WEASEL
Zope, I don't think this is working.

ZOPE
Y'know Weez, I think I agree. Guess it's time to break out the foldout naked girl reality clones I've been saving.

WEASEL
You had those all the time!?

ZOPE
Well yeah--but I figured it was too simple to just UNFOLD naked girls--I felt something a little more complicated was in order!

WEASEL
*Sigh.*

*TZ*

Text Zope 23 "Zope's Bagheera Wombat"
(From OsoaWeek 032, 3/2/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

TIN ALLEY RASCAL
So nice of you to meet me in the park so we can walk our pets together!

ZOPE
Yeah, yeah, beautiful. How do you like Flock of Seagull's Scientifically Scandinavian Morton the Bastard?

TIN ALLEY RASCAL
That's some name, Zope my friend! But, er, what exactly is it...?

ZOPE
Stupid ass! It's a Bagheera wombat!

TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Eh? Come again?

ZOPE
It's a wombat that's been trained since birth to emulate Bagheera, the black panther from that Jungle Book cartoon. See? His fur is dyed the deepest black. And he sure is a ferocious little mother.

TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Well sir, certainly a pet worthy of Zope! And I see he's getting along with my Dandie Dinmont, Claude-Francois.

ZOPE
Nah. He's just lulling him into a false sense of security before...

Suddenly, the Bagheera wombat leaps forward and quickly mutilates the little dog.

TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Dear god! Claude-Francois! My little dear! What has Zope done to you? Oh the horror...

ZOPE
Stop babbling you spineless jellyfish. I did you a favor having Bastard here slice and dice that little fag dog of yours. And with this handy resurrection spray/air freshener I've devised, we'll bring him back to life much better than he used to be!

TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Oh Zope, do you suppose that's possible?

ZOPE (spraying can)
Of course! Would I lie to you?

TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Oh, fabulous! My dear Clause-Francois! Please come back to me.

ZOPE
Oh, but I did use a lot of maggot and toad DNA in the spray, so you gotta expect Claude'll come out a LITTLE different...

The dog comes back to life, as a horrible maggot/toad/dog monstrosity.

TIM ALLEY RASCAL
Holy cow!

ZOPE
"Holy cow?" Shouldn't you say something more like "Fuck you, you fucking goddamn bitch" to me?

TIN ALLEY RASCAL
I... I...

ZOPE
Okay, hold on you stammering pussy. Would you like Bastard here to kill little Claudy-Poo?

TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Y-yes. G-go ahead and d-do it. *RETCH!*

TIN ALLEY RASCAL vomits.

ZOPE
Kill.

Bastard leaps onto the horrible creature, and kills it.

TIN ALLEY RASCAL (gasping)
Zope... Zope... Why...?

ZOPE
'Cause you looked like a fucking homo walking around with a dog like that! Now, you can get a cool Bagheera wombat like me!

TIN ALLEY RASCAL gives ZOPE a very confused look.

*TZ*

Text Zope 24 "Barbed Wire Expert Guy Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 033, 3/9/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE (addressing crowd)
Okay people, listen up! As barbed wire testers, you got a tough job ahead of you, but that's why you make the big bucks, right!

RAT 17 (whispering)
Uh, Zope--these folks aren't getting paid--they're political prisoners or something--you remember--the ones we got at a big discount?

ZOPE
Who cares?

RAT 17 gives Zope a concerned look.

ZOPE (looking at clipboard)
Now, my friends, today we'll be testing three brands of barbed wire in their prototype stage--"Flesh Ruiner", "Razor Kill Constrictor", and "Rainstorm of Blood".

RAT 17 (whispering)
They don't look too happy, boss!

ZOPE
Don't worry--I'm a great motivator when I want to be!

RAT 17
Uh-oh...

ZOPE
To aid in your climbing over all three barbed wire fences, I have forty insane Crovazocks waiting behind those doors to annihilate any stragglers. You know Crovazocks--those genetic marvels, made up of equal parts of pit bull, piranha fish, bulldozer, and Leona Helmsley.

PERSON IN THE CROWD
All I did was question the President's education policy! Do I really deserve this?

ZOPE
Hold on a second, let me confer with my assistant.

ZOPE and RAT 17 whisper to each other.

ZOPE
Uh, sir--no, we've decided you don't deserve it. But you know--I'm just too lazy to go through all the red tape to let you go, so fuck it!

The PERSON IN THE CROWD looks disappointed.

ZOPE
Okay gang? Ready? On your marks, get set, GO!

*TZ*

Text Zope 25 "Zope's New Catchphrase"
(From OsoaWeek 040, 4/27/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
Hey Weez--check out my new catchphrase.

WEASEL
Huh?

ZOPE (approaching CASHIER)
Hold on man, check it out...

WEASEL
Yeah, yeah.

ZOPE (holding out $8000 bill)
Hey buddy, can you change an 8000?

CASHIER
Uh, I'm sorry sir. We don't take any bills higher than a 20.

ZOPE
What?

CASHIER
Nothing over a 20. Store policy. Try a bank.

ZOPE glares at the CASHIER.

ZOPE
So you're saying I can't buy this, uh, this Blow Pop here? Huh? You're gonna make me go hungry just because I have too much money for you?

CASHIER
Sir, I can't help you.

ZOPE throws the Blow Pop on the ground.

ZOPE
Fuck you--GOODBYE!

ZOPE turns and leaves, grabbing Weasel around the shoulder and laughing hysterically.

ZOPE
Haha! That was great!

WEASEL
Um...

ZOPE
Hahaha! Fuck you--GOODBYE! Haha! Is that great?

WEASEL
Um... so that's the catchphrase? Fuck you, goodbye?

ZOPE
No man! You Gotta say it with feeling! Come on, like this... Fuck you--GOODBYE! You gotta say the "goodbye" part like you wanna kill the guy! Okay, come on. Try it.

WEASEL
Zope, I don't...

ZOPE
Fuckin' do it, man!

WEASEL
Oh okay. Fuck you man, goodbye!

ZOPE
No no no--all wrong. There's no "man" in my catchphrase, whattaya think I am? A loser? Now c'mon! Do it right!

WEASEL
FUCK YOU, GOODBYE!

ZOPE
Hmm, better! Of course I say it the best, 'cause it's MY catchphrase, but not bad Weasel. Not bad.

WEASEL
Thanks.

ZOPE
Hey Weez--remember that catchphrase you had a long time ago? Back when you were a barbarian? What was it?

WEASEL
I don't remember.

ZOPE
Yeah you do! It was like the funniest catchphrase, c'mon what was it?

WEASEL
Oh--I don't know. Something like "Clear out! The killer is in!" or something.

ZOPE
Hahaha! That's it! Huffaw! "Clear out--the KILLER is in!" Haha! That's a classic. A real classic.

WEASEL
Yeah. Better'n yours.

ZOPE (stopping and glaring at WEASEL)
Don't fuck with my catchphrase, man!

WEASEL
I know, I just...

ZOPE
Fuck you--GOODBYE!

ZOPE turns and starts away, then stops and turns back.

ZOPE
Haha! Tricked ya! I'm not really mad, I just wanted to use my catchphrase again!

WEASEL
*Sigh.*

*TZ*

Text Zope 26 "Gale Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 041, 5/4/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
It sure is windy.

MASTER JOE
Yup. The old madman really has his fan on tonight.

ZOPE
What?

MASTER JOE
Oh, just a saying from Chaire.

ZOPE
Chaire? Oh yeah, that planet you're from.

MASTER JOE
That's the one.

ZOPE
Huh. You know, a lot of these old saying have their basis in reality. I bet there WAS an old madman with a fan making wind on Chaire.

MASTER JOE
Who knows? There's no way to find out at this point.

ZOPE
Oh yes there is.

MASTER JOE
What?

ZOPE
Dimtrav.

MASTER JOE
Dimtrav? Dimension travel? Isn't that the power high school losers try to get so they can beat up the guys who bully them, do the girls who ignore them, and run away to some exotic, adventurous locale to be a superhero?

ZOPE
Uh-huh.

MASTER JOE
You can do it?

ZOPE
Yeah, it looked it up in the Akashic Records. I got it on CD-ROM. Fits on just one. Helluva compression scheme...

MASTER JOE
Hold on a second--you're talking about THE Akashic Records, the... the repository of ALL the information about EVERYTHING?

ZOPE
That's it. It's really useful, you know? Like, I was at the arcade the other day, and I was saying to myself, you know, I must have spent billions of dollars in quarters. So I looked it up--and you know what? I've only spent about $78,480,000 on arcade games.

MASTER JOE
How was it on there?

ZOPE
Everything's on there!

MASTER JOE
But did you play any games SINCE you bought the CD-ROM?

ZOPE
It doesn't matter! The Akashic Records cover all time, all space, all dimensions.

MASTER JOE
So you can see the future?

ZOPE
Not only that--you can get video--from any angle, mind you--from any part of anybody's life.

MASTER JOE
Geez!

ZOPE
Yeah--I programmed a nice little sequence--"Sherilyn Fenn's Best Showers". It's a gas!

MASTER JOE
Where could you have gotten something that cool?

ZOPE
Ah, from some catalog.

MASTER JOE
But how does it... I mean, isn't that a lot of data, everything about everything?

ZOPE
Like I said, heck of a data compression scheme.

MASTER JOE
Hmm. So we could look up about the old madman right? Rather than dimtravving to him?

ZOPE
I guess, but dimtrav is so much more fun. Here...

With a *XOING!* sound, ZOPE and MASTER JOE dimtrav to a desolate mountaintop.

ZOPE
He should be around here somewhere...

MASTER JOE
Whoah! I'm back on Chaire!

ZOPE
Time of the Gods, by my reckoning.

MASTER JOE
What!? The... the...

ZOPE
...Time of the Gods. Where you've always dreamed of going.

MASTER JOE
How... when did I tell you about that?

ZOPE
I looked it up in the Akashic Records.

MASTER JOE (looking up, awed)
You wha... wha... wha...

ZOPE
What is it?

ZOPE looks up to see an enormous OLD MADMAN, holding an open fold-out fan in one hand.

ZOPE (in discovery)
Hello!

OLD MADMAN (booming)
Be ye blown away!

The OLD MADMAN waves his fan, and ZOPE and MASTER JOE are caught in the gale, and are carried along n the winds.

MASTER JOE (seeing ZOPE in the distance)
So... so it's true!

ZOPE
Looks that way, pal.

MASTER JOE
So uh... can we dimtrav back home now?

ZOPE
No can do, Joe dude. Gotta have solid ground under your feet to do it.

MASTER JOE
Darn.

ZOPE
Don't worry. We gotta land someday. That old freak can't keep on fanning forever.

MASTER JOE
What if he can?

ZOPE (pulling notebook computer out of his jacket)
Hold on, man--let me look it up!

MASTER JOE
A laptop with CD-ROM!

ZOPE
AND active-matrix color display! Hmm... well Joe, it says here in the Akashic records that the Old Madman CAN keep on fanning forever--if you don't take him out with an ICBM.

MASTER JOE
ICBM? Intercontinental ballistic missile?

ZOPE
Yeah. Lucky I got one, huh? Only 200 megatons though. Pity. Oh well, lemme just hit it with a little bit of enlargement ray to get it back to normal size and... THERE SHE GOES!

MASTER JOE
Zope, are you sure we're far enough away to...

*NUKOLA!*

*XOING!*

MASTER JOE
We're back!

ZOPE
Yeah--a little piece of ground hit my foot in the nuclear explosion. Lucky, huh?

MASTER JOE
I guess. So what happened to the Old Madman?

ZOPE
He's tougher than we thought. He managed to blow the foul, irradiated air all over the planet--effectively ending the Time of the Gods. And eventually, he too succumbed to the effects of deity radiation sickness.

MASTER JOE
So you mean...

ZOPE
Yes Joe--it's your fault the Time of the Gods ended. If you hadn't quoted that old saying, who knows? Chaire might still be the paradise it once was. No Vulcocksie, no nothin' bad.

MASTER JOE
You really know how to hurt a guy, Zope.

ZOPE
Aw, don't be such a pill about it. I had to wait 4-6 weeks for shipping on that Akashic Records CD-ROM, and now that I have it, you better let me have some fun with it without laying a big guilt trip!

MASTER JOE
*Sigh.*

*TZ*

Text Zope 27 "Cran-Jay Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 042, 5/11/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
Hey Ratty man! Check out what I found at the ice cream place!

ZOPE shows RAT 17 a can reading "BEGULANT--CRAN-JAY BEVERAGE--'The refreshing taste of cranberries and blue jays--lightly carbonated--it's a good thing!'--(brand name) GULPEM"

RAT 17
Oh, another of your Gulpem drinks! Wow.

ZOPE
Whattaya mean, MY drink? I just got it cuz it looked cool.

RAT 17
I know Zope, but--but don't you sometimes pretend to be that guy Lester Gulpem, who invents all those drinks?

ZOPE
What the hell are you talking about, you little worm?

RAT 17
I... I mean... you know Zope, I must have gotten confused. Y-you're right. You're not Lester Gulpem. Heh.

ZOPE opens the can and takes a drink.

ZOPE
Delicious! Now Ratty, come on. Tell me about this Lester Gulpem. What, is he a guy who resembles me?

RAT 17
I dunno, kinda.

ZOPE
Hey?

RAT 17
I don't know. A little maybe.

ZOPE (producing another can)
Aha! Why don't you drink some of this, ya little freak, and then tell me!

RAT 17 looks at the can..."LUISCOT--SODIUM PENTATHOL TRUTH BEVERAGE--'Tangy truth serum blend--Honesty is the best policy!--lightly carbonated--I like that!'--(brand name) GULPEM"

RAT 17
Uh, I don't know, Zope. I mean, I'm not really that thirsty, and...

RAT 17 looked up to see ZOPE holding a loaded crossbow to RAT 17's head.

ZOPE
Drink up kid! Be a good kid!

RAT 17
O-okay, Zope.

RAT 17 nervously drinks the LUISCOT.

ZOPE (lowering crossbow)
Well?

RAT 17
Well what?

ZOPE
Tell me everything you know about Lester Gulpem.

RAT 17
I'll tell you alright. You're a lunatic Zope. YOU are LESTER GULPEM. You're nuts! And you know what? I think you're just doing this to be cool. You know you're Gulpem. You're just being mean to me!

ZOPE
It works! Haha, it works! Hot-diggety!

RAT 17
So you admit that you're Lester Gulpem, Zope?

ZOPE
Of course I'm Lester Gulpem--but where are you getting this Zope name from? I've never heard of any Zope!

RAT 17
Oh no...

*TZ*

Text Zope 28 "Transcript Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 044, 5/25/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE (clicking off TV)
Got it!

MASTER JOE (building model of tall ship)
Huh?

ZOPE
I got it--the address to write to to get a transcript of the MacLaughlin Group!

MASTER JOE
Why not just tape it?

ZOPE
And then what--sit and write the whole thing out myself? Hah! You think I have time for that?

MASTER JOE
Actually...

ZOPE
Okay, so I have time for it--but it's tedious! I wouldn't be able to! I'd do four or five lines and then fall into a blue funk, and probably start building a new wave entertainment complex in Wisconsin or something.

MASTER JOE
But--why not just watch it again if you want to refer to it?

ZOPE
It's not random access, man! Video you gotta fast forward and rewind. Did you ever see one of those damn GE commercials on fast rewind? Not a pretty sight.

MASTER JOE
But do they say anything good on that show? I mean, when's that show on--11, noon? Who the hell's up that early on Sunday?

ZOPE
Nobody. That's why I tape it.

MASTER JOE
So you already...

ZOPE
Listen--if I wanna go to a specific part, in the transcript all I gotta do is flip pages, none of this rewind, fast forward stuff.

MASTER JOE
Why not a video server with a hot link transcript?

ZOPE
Huh?

MASTER JOE
You know, digitize every episode of McLaughlin, digitize it all, and dump it onto a terabyte RAM chip. I hear the prices are really coming down these days.

ZOPE
For a terabyte? Yeah, around $400.

MASTER JOE
There ya go!

ZOPE
Yeah--I can wire my fiber optic line into the time doorway--and call the future to get a complete set of all McLaughlin's!

MASTER JOE
That's the spirit.

ZOPE
Uh-huh.

MASTER JOE
Are you okay, Zope?

ZOPE
I...

MASTER JOE
Zope?

ZOPE
I don't know. I'm alright. It's just that, a few moments ago my McLaughlin attention span, like, expired. I have no interest in it at all anymore. Fuck it.

MASTER JOE
You should try to work through that attention problem.

ZOPE
Fuck off! Before I lose interest in not killing you!

*TZ*

Text Zope 29 "Cobblestone Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 046, 6/8/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
Hey Joe--what the hell are cobblestones, and why would anyone ever want to make a street out of them?

MASTER JOE
Uh--I think they're these little yellow pellets, like, uh, made out of a naturally-occurring plastic-like resin, and, uh...

ZOPE
Ah, you're no help. If I wanna learn about cobblestones, I'll have to go it alone. Robot 90! C'mere!

ROBOT 90
Yes master what is thy bidding?

ZOPE
Yeah, why don't you go prepare my... hold on a second... did I just hear you use the word "thy"?

ROBOT 90
Please hold while I check my memory banks... *click*--*click*--*click*... yes my lord, I did use the word "thy".

ZOPE
And why's that?

ROBOT 90
Insufficient data... but it may have something to do with my fixation with the King Arthur legend...

ZOPE (hitting ROBOT 90 on the head)
Well get over it, and go get my Flyin' Chess Bishop ready!

ROBOT 90
Yes sir. Sorry.

MASTER JOE
Man, you sure are lenient with your robots. If wunna mine gave me that kind of lip, I'd blast it to fuckin' hell!

ZOPE
Well Joe, that's the difference between you and me. You're a hothead, who acts before he thinks. Me, I'm rational. When I do something, I do it for a reason.

MASTER JOE
Yeah, right.

ZOPE
Shut up you! Just for that you can't come with me in my Flyin' Chess Bishop to go and find out about cobblestones!

MASTER JOE
I thought you decided to go alone already.

ZOPE
Out! Out of my house! Out of Zopekeep! Don't piss me off, man!

MASTER JOE (turning and leaving)
Okay, okay! Jeez! And he calls ME the hothead!

ZOPE
I heard that!

LATER...

ZOPE sits at the controls of his Flyin' Chess Bishop.

ZOPE
Ah yes, this is the good life. Sittin' back, wreaking a little havoc at a couple military bases bombarding them with a rain of mischief-magic ball bearings, coloring all the clouds in the area a deep blood-red, zapping a nest of ten-thousand blue chipmunks with my human-level-intelligence ray, makin' railroads that lead nowhere, developing a hot new trading string game, demolishing The Wall Street Journal and forcing all its writers to become coopers, growing a clone of M. C. Escher to help me with my self-portrait, nuking Norway (hah hah! I never get tired of nuking Norway!), and trying to figure out that damn "Masquerade" book. I want that golden bunny, dammit!

FLYIN' CHESS BISHOP COMPUTER
WARNING. Approaching cobblestone street area. WARNING. Approaching cobblestone street area. WARNING...

ZOPE
Okay! Shut the fuck up already!

FLYIN' CHESS BISHOP COMPUTER
Unknown word--"fuck"--please define.

ZOPE
SHUT UP! I'll flay your circuits, you goddamn piece of shit!

FLYIN' CHESS BISHOP COMPUTER
WARNING. Approaching cobblestone...

With a *BASH!*, Zope smashes the console and silences the computer.

ZOPE
That's better. Now to survey the cobblestones!

SOON...

ZOPE (kneeling down, examining the street)
Hmm... the street seems to be made entirely of smooth stones, held together with some kind of glue-like substance... Hmm...

SIMIJAR
May I help you?

ZOPE
Huh?

SIMIJAR
I am Simijar, Goddess of Cobblestones. I sensed your need to understand. I came.

ZOPE
Whoah, you're pretty hot! For a goddess of cobblestones, that is.

SIMIJAR
Why thank you!

ZOPE (thinking)
Oh boy! Imagine how cool it'd be to have a girlfriend who's a goddess of cobblestones! I'll show that Numizmonia! I'll show her I don't need her--cuz I got SIMIJAR, GODDESS OF COBBLESTONES as my girlfriend!

SIMIJAR
Are you okay, little friend?

ZOPE (getting angry)
Little...! (getting calmer) Oh, uh, no, not at all, uh, Simijar. Just thinking how nice it would be if such a lovely goddess as you would accompany me in my Flyin' Chess Bishop for a romantic evening dinner on the River Litherbine.

SIMIJAR
Oh... what a sweet offer. I wish I could, but... but the King of the Gods, Doirzaine, does not allow goddesses to mingle with mortals.

ZOPE
Uh, wait here for a minute, okay?

SOON...

ZOPE is beating the crap out of DOIRZAINE.

ZOPE
Okay bub--whattaya say? Wanna make an exception to your stupid little rule so's I can go out with Simijar?

DOIRZAINE
Insolent pup! I'll never...

ZOPE bashes DOIRZAINE in the face.

DOIRZAINE
You... you'll pay for this...

ZOPE spends some time beating the crap out of DOIRZAINE.

DOIRZAINE
Enough! Enough! Stop! I give in! You have permission... no more... no more...

ZOPE
Thanks, you fuckin' pussy!

SOON...

SIMIJAR
Oh, jolly good! I did so want to go out with you! It was so kind of Doirzaine to acquiesce!

ZOPE
That it was, babe. That it was.

*TZ*

Text Zope 30 "TV Pix Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 049, 6/29/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright 1997

ZOPE
Get a loadda this, Joe! A TV and phone wire leading into a time hole right to the mid-'70s!

MASTER JOE
So?

ZOPE
SO!? Come on man! I'm gonna play TV Pix!

MASTER JOE
What the hell is that?

ZOPE
What is it? Are you on drugs, man? It's only the coolest in-between afternoon cartoons thing ever!

MASTER JOE
Yeah?

ZOPE
Yeah! It was on WPIX, channel 11 in the New York/New Jersey/Connecticut area. What it was was--they had these Mattel Intellivision on the screen, and a kid called in, and whenever he said "Pix", the laser would fire or the quarterback would pass, you know.

MASTER JOE
So this was an online thing?

ZOPE
Haha! No way! All it was was some guy on the other end hitting the fire button whenever you said the magic word, "Pix".

MASTER JOE
So you're gonna play now?

ZOPE (adjusting knobs and dials)
Yeah... as soon as I can get this darn thing tuned to the right time...

Suddenly, the title "TV PIX" comes up on the screen.

ANNOUNCER
Okay kids! It's time again for TV Pix on WPIX channel 11! Call in now to play!

ZOPE frantically dials the phone.

ANNOUNCER
Today we'll be playing Astroblast, and the winner will get an autographed Pop Warner Joe Namath tot-football. Okay--I think we have our contestant... hello?

ZOPE
Hello?

ANNOUNCER
Hi there--what's your name, caller?

ZOPE
Zope.

ANNOUNCER
Soap?

ZOPE
No--ZOPE, with a Z, you fruitcake.

ANNOUNCER
Oh... okay, uh, Zope, I... Let's get ready to play TV Pix! Are you ready Zope?

ZOPE
Never been more.

ANNOUNCER
Good. The rules are, every time you say "Pix", a laser blast will zap out and fry any alien cruiser in the target area. If you can get ten or more in 30 seconds, you win the football!

ZOPE
Sounds great, chief.

ANNOUNCER
Okay--go!

ZOPE
Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix!

While ZOPE keeps saying this, every single alien shipped is zapped and destroyed.

ANNOUNCER
Whoah, Zope! You had a perfect score--26. What's your secret?

ZOPE
You just keep saying Pix as fast as you can, you moron! I've watched this show--and every kid who kept saying it always won!

ANNOUNCER
That's very... good advice, Zope! Now stay on the line and we'll take down your address, okay?

ZOPE
Okay, and I also wanted to mention the full-scale, thermonuclear war that's gonna occur in 1980--so kids--may as well drop out of school, loot, rape, pillage, and all that--y'only gotta few years left--and ya don't wanna spend 'em bored to death listening to some douchebag droning on about cotton gins, hypotenuses, and magnesium!

ZOPE hangs up.

MASTER JOE
Sure that was a good idea, Zope?

ZOPE
Goddamn, who cares? That was great fun. And who gives a crap what happens in an alternate timeline anyway? Maybe there Generation X will turn out better.

MASTER JOE
Yeah--with all that looting and pillaging--

ZOPE
--and raping--

MASTER JOE
--yeah--and raping--thy won't have time to watch so much bad TV to become obsessed with in their twenties!

ZOPE
Yeah... CRAP!

MASTER JOE
What?

ZOPE
How the heck am I gonna get my Joe Namath tot-football now?

MASTER JOE
Um... maybe just wait about fifteen minutes until you lose interest in it?

ZOPE
Yeah, that'll do it.

*TZ*

Get All Obliviana!