<--- All contents copyright 1997 by Frank
Edward Nora --->
Text Zope 11 "Zope and Things to Do with Buildings"
(From OsoaWeek 020, 12/8/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
I want to destroy buildings.
MASTER JOE
Sound like a good idea to me!
ZOPE
But I'm bored with all the usual ways! Mind controlling Concorde pilots
to crash into them, mass molecular destabilization, teleportation to the
Inferno, the Giant, Really Really Giant Ostrich Egg gag--I mean, there has
to be a better way!
MASTER JOE
How about that one where you teleport a half-inch diagonal slice of the
building to Buenos Aires and the top of the building slides right off?
ZOPE
Yeah, but it doesn't destroy the WHOLE building, only part of it.
MASTER JOE
Yeah I guess you're right.
ZOPE
Wait a minute--I have it!
MASTER JOE
What?
ZOPE
Eight-trillion tons of pollen!
MASTER JOE
Um--well, it has, uh-- it has possibilities.
ZOPE
God fucking dammit! You're always dissing my ideas!
MASTER JOE
What does dissing mean? What is that--slang?
ZOPE
Screw you.
*TZ*
Text Zope 12 "Zope's Wristwatch"
(From OsoaWeek 021, 12/15/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
What do you want?
METALLIC SPHERE BLUE
Just comin' around to pay a visit.
ZOPE
Get off it. You're the bad apple out of the Metallic Sphere trio, you fuck.
I know you're working for Ed Ape.
METALLIC SPHERE BLUE
Who told you that--Purple? Or, I know--it was that bastard Aquamarine!
ZOPE
I fucking hate you! Die!
ZOPE whips out a baseball bat and bashes METALLIC SPHERE BLUE.
METALLIC SPHERE BLUE
Hahaha! It'll take more than that to kill me!
ZOPE holds his wrist up.
ZOPE
What do you see, Blue?
METALLIC SPHERE BLUE
Nothing... Oh, no... Don't tell me!
ZOPE
Give the Metallic Sphere a cigar! Yes, it's your old friend, Ken the Invisible
Wristwatch! You know--the invisible wristwatch who has the power to mind
control you!
METALLIC SPHERE BLUE
No! I'm sorry! Do not mind control me!
ZOPE
Shut up! I'm deciding what I can make you do. Hmmm. Aha! Ken, make this
loser go to Ed Ape's World-O-Fun and destroy all 45 Ferris wheels!
METALLIC SPHERE BLUE
No! Noooooo! Ed Ape will kill me! Nooooo.....
METALLIC SPHERE BLUE flies away.
ZOPE
Heh heh. Good job, Ken. How I got along in the past without an Invisible
Wristwatch, I'll never know!
*TZ*
Text Zope 13 "Zope and the Trouble with Fanboys"
(From OsoaWeek 022, 12/22/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
Well now, Fombat, I see you've grown out of your fan obsession with Galactus.
FOMBAT
You know Zope, I hadn't thought of that! But you know, you're right! Ever
since you gave me your back issues of "Rom Spaceknight", my whole
life has been devoted to finding one of those original Rom action figure.
ZOPE
It's cool to be into obscure characters, isn't it, lad?
FOMBAT
Yeah Zope it sure is! I mean, who wants to be into popular stuff like Spawn
or X-Men? Everyone likes that. But how many hardcore Rom fans do you think
are out there? It makes me unique and cool!
ZOPE
Ha ha, yes. Oh, and by the way, come over here. I have something you could
desperately use.
FOMBAT
What is it? Rom trading cards? A Rom lunchbox?
ZOPE
No--a belt in the abdomen.
ZOPE punches FOMBAT in the stomach, who then doubles over in pain.
*TZ*
Text Zope 14 "Zope's New Disease"
(From OsoaWeek 023, 12/29/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
Please, give me another Fresca, I must watch the entire run of "Those
Amazing Animals" again for the 84th time.
WEASEL
I don't know Zope--don't you think that you better break out of this rut
of watching "Those Amazing Animals" and drinking Fresca?
ZOPE
Hahaha! Look at that! Priscilla Presley. Her daughter married Michael Jackson!
Hahaha! She's Michael Jackson's mother-in-law! Hahaha! She was in that movie
with O.J. Simpson. Hahaha!
WEASEL
Now Zope, how long can you continue this madness? Please try and turn that
darn show off!
ZOPE
I love the fuckin orangs. Whenever they have the fucking orangs on it's
party time. That guy beats the shit out of them backstage I heard.
WEASEL
Zope, I'm gonna call Metallic Sphere Blue--he'll know what to do!
ZOPE (fondling a pistol)
Get me that Fresca first, pal, or else.
WEASEL
Uh... o-okay Z-Zope...
Later...
METALLIC SPHERE BLUE
Ah yes, very common, this "Those Amazing Animals/Fresca" disease.
One of those new designer diseases from Manitoba. It should run itself out
in a few months. No worry!
WEASEL
No worry? You mean Zope will keep doing this for MONTHS and you say no worry?
ZOPE
Hahaha! I love those commercials from the '80s on the tape! Hahaha! Look
at the way they dressed back then! Hahaha! Those were the days.
WEASEL
Zope--do you understand what you're doing?
ZOPE
Shut the fuck up! The miniature llamas are almost on!
*TZ*
Text Zope 15 "9 to 5 and Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 024, 1/5/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE (on telephone)
Hello? Weasel? Yeah. I'm totally bored with my latest enterprise, you know,
the naked girl Old English space station thing--so I was thinking--maybe
I'll try something I've never experienced before--commuting into the city
and working 9 to 5. What? Okay, I'll be here. See you in a little while.
Soon...
ZOPE
What do you mean you think this idea of mine will end up with mass destruction
and loss of life?
WEASEL
Now Zope, don't get mad--it's just that I can't see you being able to stand
that sort of lifestyle very much. I just know you'll end up crashing the
train, going on a shooting spree, and nuking the whole city! I'm just thinking
of your well being.
ZOPE
Weasel, it's very disturbing that you can't see how much I've matured. I'm
mellow now, dude! Now come on--let's do this thing together--it'll be fun!
WEASEL
Well...
ZOPE
Okay! I'll get us a job and we'll leave bright and early Monday morning.
Cheer up--it'll be a great change of pace!
WEASEL
Oh, alright. I guess it should be okay...
5 DAYS LATER--IN THE MIDST OF A NUCLEAR WASTELAND
WEASEL
Zope...
ZOPE
Don't say it! I know you're gonna say "where did the new, mellow Zope
go?" Well Weasel, let me tell you--I am mellow. Very mellow. But having
to get up at 6 am, jam into a crowd of fuckheads, pass a bunch of smelly
bums, exchange niceties with zombie coworkers, deal with asshole clients
all day long, then jam into that crowd again just to get home, well--you
can understand why I crashed the train, went on a shooting spree, and nuked
the entire city, can't you, buddy?
*TZ*
Text Zope 16 "Zope's Mysterious Religious Idea"
(From OsoaWeek 025, 1/12/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
Ah yes! Just a few more and we'll be there!
WEASEL (huffing and puffing)
Zope--tell me again where you got this idea of stacking up 463 Taco Bells
to reach Heaven? We've only done 14 and already I'm pooped--and not only
that--it may be illegal!
ZOPE
Nonsense! It's for a higher purpose. And with only 449 left, it's a cinch!
WEASEL
Okay, but it's tiring work. And the people in the Taco Bells get mad!
ZOPE
Unbelievers. They had no business being in such a divine tool as a Taco
Bell in the first place. Now--according to this map there's a Taco Bell
74 miles southeast of here. Be a good chap and go get it for me, will you
Weasel?
WEASEL
*Sigh*. Okay Zope. But please--just tell me one more time how you know this
is going to work.
ZOPE
Yes, my brother. Yes. I can see your waning faith. So I shall tell you.
You see, there's an evil televangelist on channel 40, Reverend Ormond Cleer,
and he is of Satan, and he is always preaching false wisdom in regards of
ways to go to Heaven. But me, being such a clever guy, I kept track of all
his lies and all his false ways--and when you look at all the data, the
only way he DIDN'T give was stacking 463 Taco Bells up. See?
WEASEL
Uh...
ZOPE
Yes. So this is the way. Now be off! You have the Lord's work!
WEASEL
Oh... alright. But you know Zope, at this rate, it's gonna take forever!
ZOPE
Hush now, little one, and go get me that Taco Bell.
*TZ*
Text Zope 17 "Zope's Meteor Shower Follies"
(From OsoaWeek 026, 1/19/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
I'm goddamn tired.
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Now Zope, keep the old chin up! It's not every night you get a chance to
see the Veblovin meteor showers!
ZOPE
True. But still, I'm goddamn tired, and all I've seen are a few streaks
of light which last for about a tenth of a second.
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Why yes! That is what these meteors look like!
ZOPE
Wait a minute--I though we'd be seeing a mass of fiery death from above
hailing down on the unsuspecting populace, wreaking mass destruction and
chaos. Are you telling me this isn't the case?
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Well, my friend, I'm afraid you misunderstood. It's very rare that a meteor
survives the friction of the atmosphere to get to land. Very rare indeed.
ZOPE
That's rather unfortunate.
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Yes--sorry old friend.
ZOPE (taking out remote control)
Yes--unfortunate. So I guess it's good I installed all those dimensional
transporter underneath the Beaverton Mountain Range--you know--the ones
that teleport things from ground level to the upper reaches of the atmosphere
in space.
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Oh no! That will cause terror and death! Don't do it, sir! Please restrain
yourself!
ZOPE
Oh hush! You came for a show in the sky and that's just what you're gonna
get!
Zope presses a button on the remote and the sky fills with a massive firestorm.
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
*Sigh*. Well Zope, I must say, setting aside the death and destruction issues,
you really have a beautiful display there!
ZOPE
I knew you'd come to see reason sooner or later, dude.
*TZ*
Text Zope 18 "Pretend Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 027, 1/26/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright
1997
FOMBAT
It's fun to pretend! Like right now, I'm pretending to be Laser Lord, one
of my superheroes! Zoom, zap!
ZOPE
I like to pretend, too. Right now, I think I'm Claude Monet--not the regular
one, though--I'm a Claude Monet who beats people senseless with a tire iron.
ZOPE beats the heck out of FOMBAT with a tire iron.
*TZ*
Text Zope 19 "Abba Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 028, 2/2/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
What the hell is Abba?
WEASEL
I don't know--aren't they a band from some godawful foreign country?
ZOPE
I don't know. Ed Ape sent me another one of his fuckhead, cryptic faxes,
trying to drive me nuts. All it says is "Abba/Fernando".
WEASEL
Maybe some sort of code? You know he loves to put a disarm code in when
he plants a neutron bomb in a major metropolitan area--just for the excitement
that maybe you'll disarm it.
ZOPE
Yeah, yeah--but he wouldn't be so obvious about it. No--it must be something
else...
WEASEL
See? You're playing right into his hands! It's probably nothing.
ZOPE
Sweden! That's it--they're a band from Sweden! Weasel--what music have you
got from there?
WEASEL
Um--let's see--oh yeah--I got a single from Ace of Base called "She
Wants a Baby" or something.
ZOPE
Yes, yes! Another clue--he may have intelligence on your CD collection--knowing
we'd listen to it--to discover the clues...
WEASEL
Well, okay Zope, I'll put it on, but I don't know...
After 85 listenings of the song...
ZOPE
Hmm... I don't know. Are you getting anything yet? Any sort of clue or anything?
WEASEL
I don't think so. It's just--it's gotta just be more of Ed Ape's psychological
warfare!
ZOPE
Yeah, well I'm starting to agree with you. And you know what? I was saving
it, but I have a canister of Ebola with Ed Ape's name on it! C'mon, help
me load it into a cruise missile. I'll show him there are other forms of
warfare besides psychological!
WEASEL
*Sigh.*
*TZ*
Text Zope 20 "Zope's Hamburger Cough Drops"
(From OsoaWeek 029, 2/9/95)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6193 (5/24/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
Joe, Weasel, Rascal--as you know, I've asked you here as a focus group for
my newest product. If any of you don't feel up to the task, you may leave
now.
MASTER JOE
No, I'm happy to help, Zope.
WEASEL
Lay it on us.
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
I'm pleased to help. And truly, Zope, some of your products need help!
ZOPE gives TIN ALLEY RASCAL a cold stare.
ZOPE
Very well then. Let us begin.
ZOPE unveils a display, with a sign reading "Hamburger Cough Drops",
and a variety of cough drops in the size and shape of a hamburger.
WEASEL
"Hamburger cough drops"? You mean like hamburgers with cough drop
style medicine inside?
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Excellent! Medicated fast food! Capital idea, my good fellow.
MASTER JOE
Uh...
ZOPE
You are all quite mistaken. My idea is more brilliant, more inspired--these
are giant cough drops, in the size and shape of a hamburger. See, I started
with the idea of giant cough drops, but forming them into hamburger shapes
increases the market awareness, see?
The three sit, looking confused.
ZOPE (handing each of the three a hamburger cough drop)
Here now. The test is very simple. I will leave the room and spray a cold-virus-laden
mist into the room. After about twelve hours, you will all start exhibiting
cold symptoms. At that point, you are to lick away at your hamburger cough
drops until they are FULLY EATEN. Then we shall see if your symptoms are
relieved.
WEASEL
Uh, Zope...
ZOPE runs out of the room, slams the door shut, and clicks on the lock.
ZOPE (in control room)
Now prepare for the mist...
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Ho now, friend! I've not acquiesced on the nature of this test! Kindly let
me go!
WEASEL
Yeah, uh, I'm not, uh, so sure either...
MASTER JOE
Aw, c'mon guys. It'll be fun!
ZOPE
Thank you Joe! See guys, Joe's willing to do it, so you should be, too.
WEASEL
Well...
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
I don't want to rock the boat, but... well, if Joe's willing to do it, I
guess I...
WEASEL (looking behind Joe)
Hey! Wait a minute! What are all these wires back here?
ZOPE
Eh?
WEASEL
Yeah look! This isn't Master Joe! This is an audio-animatron of him! You
tricked us!
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
A fiendish plan, my dear Zope, but you're discovered!
ZOPE
Uh, well... audio-animatrons can get colds too, and I just, uh, happened
to have a Master Joe one lying around, so... OH, WHY AM I EXPLAINING MYSELF?
WE HAVE WORK TO DO! PREPARE FOR VIRAL MIST!
WEASEL
*Sigh.*
*TZ*
Get All Obliviana!