<--- All contents copyright 1997 by Frank
Edward Nora --->
Text Zope 1 "Zope and a Victim of Beverage Hostility"
(From OsoaWeek 001, 7/28/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6151 (5/17/97), copyright
1997
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Ah! Hello there Zope. So good to see you. Would you like to come to the
antique fair with me?
ZOPE, with mustache, glares at TIN ALLEY RASCAL.
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Are you quite all right?
ZOPE
I don't know who this "Zope" guy is--but he must be a real turd
if he goes to antique shows with the likes of you!
TIN ALLEY RASCAL (taken aback)
Well if you aren't Zope, then who are you, if I might ask?
ZOPE
My name is Lester Gulpem, Savior to the Parched Masses. My new line of beverages
will be on store shelves in a week. Care for a sneak preview?
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Er--beverages? Come now, Zope! This charade of yours is causing me a great
deal of stress!
ZOPE (smiling)
Come over here, my confused friend! Behold--the future of liquid refreshment!
A showcase of cans of soda is revealed:
Lummy--Pancake Beverage
Squotha--Hash Brown Beverage
Hander--Pasta Beverage
Existy!--Pretzel Beverage
Tebble--Eggplant Parmigiana Beverage
Fra--Olive & Strawberry Beverage
Thids--Marzipan Beverage
Ealnue--Mustard Beverage
Blale--Succotash Beverage
Xob--Leather Beverage
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
My goodness! What a motley assortment!
ZOPE (ignoring Tin Alley Rascal)
Psst, over here. There were two other flavors, but my bastard distributor
rejected them.
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Whatever could they be, my good man?
Zope shows Tin Alley Rascal two cans of soda:
Bojint--Veal-Ammonia-Marshmallow Beverage
Slycraz--Relish-Taffy-Venison Beverage
ZOPE
You seem like a reasonable guy. Taste these and tell me what you think.
Maybe you could talk some sense into that scumbag distributor.
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Well, er, you know I would Zope, er, I mean Lester. But I simply must get
to the antique fair you know!
Zope pulls out a submachinegun and puts it to Tin Alley Rascal's head.
ZOPE
Drink up, friend. Or I'll do the same thing to you I did to those other
distributors who wouldn't carry ANY of my brilliant beverages.
TIN ALLEY RASCAL
Dear me!
*TZ*
Text Zope 2 "Zope's Very Large Lawnmower"
(From OsoaWeek 002, 8/4/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6151 (5/17/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
This is the life! Driving around in a giant lawnmower! Watching CNN on the
tube! Drinking can after can of Japanese wonderdrink Pocari Sweat!
WEASEL
Yeah Zope, it's really great, but I think--
ZOPE
I mean, just look at that bank of fifteen Mappy arcade machines over there.
Whenever I feel like playing Mappy, I can play it! It's great!
WEASEL
I like Mappy too Zope, but you should really--
ZOPE
And the cool artificial waterfall and river--I always said, if I was gonna
get a lawnmower, I'd get the very best!
WEASEL
Zope, you really have to take a look at where we're--
ZOPE
And best of all, an entire Sharper Image store in the concourse down below.
I love all that high-tech novelty crap they--
CRUNCHA CRUNCHA SHLORP! BANG SLAP WHIRP! CRUNCHA CRUNCHA CRUNCHA GLUNK!
SLICE REND YOW YOW! CRUNCHA CRUNCHA CRUNCHA!
ZOPE
What the hell was that?
WEASEL
That's what I've been trying to tell you Zope! We were heading right for
the nursery school, where the kids were out playing in the playground! We
creamed 'em!
ZOPE
Well why didn't you tell me, Weasel? Must I do everything around here?
WEASEL
I tried Zope, but you just kept musing about how great this darn lawnmower
is.
ZOPE
You know Weasel, I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for this--if you
had let me known, I could have turned the camcorder on! You know what that
sort of footage is worth?
WEASEL
Sigh.
*TZ*
Text Zope 3 "Get Harpoon, The Game"
(From OsoaWeek 003, 8/11/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6151 (5/17/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
Okay kids, my name is Zope and I'll be your counselor at day camp.
KIDS
Hi Zope! Hey Zope! How ya doin' Zope!
REALITY LORD TITAN
So Zope, I trust you're enjoying the first day of your new job? I knew this
would be the most unbearable torture I could inflict upon you for your crimes,
especially that thing where you suffocated an entire continent of people
and animals with a planetoid-size glob of peanut butter.
ZOPE
This is nothing, pal. I can take it.
REALITY LORD TITAN
We'll see. Now I must be off. Have a fun day! Hahaha!
ZOPE
Okay kids, now that old Mr. Supreme Force in the Universe is gone we can
have some real fun!
KIDS
Yay! Alright! Yeah!
ZOPE
Okay! This game is called 'Get Harpoon'. It's kind of like 'King of the
Hill', except you have to climb to the top of this nice, shiny, sharp harpoon
and stay there. Any questions?
KIDS
Won't that hurt us? Yeah, I'll get cut! No way!
ZOPE
Now come on children, be reasonable. Would I try and kill any of you, knowing
that Reality Lord Titan is watching everything I do?
KIDS
Well...
ZOPE
Okay! Come on! Let's play!
KIDS
Okay. Maybe I'll give it a shot. Why not? We're safe.
The kids start to climb up the harpoon, but suddenly Reality Lord Titan
appears.
REALITY LORD TITAN
Aha! I leave you alone for a few minutes and already you're trying to kill
these kids! What a bad, bad counselor you are!
ZOPE
Watch your mouth, superior boy.
REALITY LORD TITAN
Shall I do it then, Zope? Shall I impose the ultimate punishment upon thee?
Shall I make you LIKE YOUR JOB and BE NICE?
ZOPE (grabbing the harpoon)
Okay bub, that's it.
REALITY LORD TITAN
Ho ho! Ever the rebellious one!
ZOPE
Meet 'Godslayer', Titan. A harpoon forged long before the dawn of time.
You're dead, pal. You're dead meat.
REALITY LORD TITAN
Pshaw!
Zope stabs Reality Lord Titan with the harpoon, but nothing happens.
ZOPE
Dammit! I knew it! I knew it would happen! I left the real Godslayer at
home--this is just the Franklin Mint historically-accurate reproduction!
Reality Lord Titan smiles.
Soon...
ZOPE (smiling)
Okay, kids! Isn't this great! How 'bout another game of Capture the Flag!
Or Red Rover! There's bug juice for ya in the cabin! Bockly the Magic Clown
will put on a show later! I just love being your counselor, and heck, your
pal as well!
*TZ*
Text Zope 4 "Zope and the Wine Flautist"
(From OsoaWeek 004, 8/18/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6151 (5/17/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
Okay Joe, what the hell is so cool you tore me away from the Donny Most
film festival?
MASTER JOE
Heh heh. Wait till you see it! Got a great bargain on it at the Vlorpic
Evilmart in Ragville.
ZOPE
It better be good chum. It was just getting to the party scene in 'Leo &
Loree'!
MASTER JOE (opening door to his volcano)
It is. Now, step right in, and be prepared to be amazed.
RAT 17 (greeting the two)
Ready, Joe?
MASTER JOE
Yup!
Rat 17 pulls a lever, raising a curtain at the far end of the room. A humanoid
figure made of a dark red liquid is shackled to the wall, shivering.
ZOPE
What the hell?
MASTER JOE
It's a Wine Flautist! A flute player composed entirely of red wine. Pretty
cool, eh?
ZOPE
Not bad Joe. Not bad at all. But where's his flute?
WINE FLAUTIST (suddenly)
Please! I'll do anything! Just let me go! I'm just a regular guy, who can
play the flute, and who got turned into wine by a sexy evil witch!
MASTER JOE
Shut yer mouth! Or I'll dump you in the middle of a homeless shelter!
ZOPE
You bought that thing, can't you keep it quiet?
MASTER JOE
I wish. But c'mon now, you gotta see this. It's the best!
Master Joe walks over to the wine flautist, unchains his arms, and takes
a flute out of a drawer.
WINE FLAUTIST
No, not that! Anything but that!
MASTER JOE (shoving flute toward the wine flautist)
Play it pal! You're not a person anymore, so you don't have any rights!
You're a frickin alcohol beverage! So play or else!
Hesitantly, the wine flautist puts the flute to his lips, then starts playing,
and wine shoots out from all the holes in the flute. Zope, Master Joe, and
Rat 17 all break out in hysterics.
MASTER JOE (struggling to speak through his laughter)
Okay! Okay buddy. You can stop--ha ha ha--you can stop now!
The wine flautist stops playing and is quivering in fear worse than before.
MASTER JOE
Har! Har! What a riot! Thanks pal, that's the best laugh we've had in awhile!
Go ahead Zope, give him the wand!
ZOPE (handing the wine flautist a magic wand)
Here ya go! Ha! Ha! Good show! That was a riot! You can--haha--you can use
the wand to turn yourself back into a human, then teleport yourself back
to your world and defeat that evil sexy witch. Okay pal! There you go.
WINE FLAUTIST
R-r-r-really?
MASTER JOE
Yeah Wine Boy! We just wanted to have a little fun with you! Go ahead, turn
yourself back!
The wine flautist taps himself with the wand and turns back into a human
being.
WINE FLAUTIST (stunned)
It--it worked! How can I ever thank you?
ZOPE
Well friend, after you teleport yourself back to your home, instead of destroying
the sexy witch, just strip her of her magic powers and teleport her to my
stronghold. I'll take care of her from there.
WINE FLAUTIST
Okay--I'll do that! Thank you ever so much!
MASTER JOE
Stop jabbering and get outta here! What--did you think we were really such
psychos that we'd keep you shackled up here to amuse all our friends? What
do you think we are, monsters?
WINE FLAUTIST (teleporting out)
No--I'm sorry for insulting you. You've saved my life--and my career!
ZOPE
What a gas! Now you're sure that witch's sister'll turn him into canola
oil when the wand runs out, and you can buy him back?
MASTER JOE
I'm sure. What a gullible idiot that guy is! And you get a powerless evil
sexy witch out of the deal to boot!
RAT 17
Everyone should shop at Vlorpic Evilmart!
*TZ*
Text Zope 5 "Zope and the Mystery Coolidge"
(From OsoaWeek 014, 10/27/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6151 (5/17/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
Okay, who the hell is that?
(VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS)
It is I, who both am and am not, who watches from the blackness, waiting
to strike, silent, unknown.
ZOPE
Wait a minute--are you another one of those goddamn Calvin Coolidge clones
of Ed Ape's? One of those spy clones?
(VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS)
Ha ha ha! My identity is unknown to all!
ZOPE (firing a harpoon gun)
Get over here you reject!
The harpoon hits the Mystery Coolidge, and Zope drags him out of the shadows.
MYSTERY COOLIDGE
Agh! No! I cannot be seen! My master will punish me!
ZOPE
How fucking typical. Now to figure out what to do with your sorry ass.
MYSTERY COOLIDGE
Go ahead and kill me--you might as well!
ZOPE
Oh ho! I don't think so! I have a much better fate for you! Huh! I'll finally
get to use my Invasive Clone Reeducation Instrument!
MYSTERY COOLIDGE
NO!!!
Later...
MASTER JOE
Huh! Look at that! I never knew a Mystery Coolidge could make such a good
Bike Messenger Coolidge!
ZOPE
Yeah--and I can't wait to see how Ed Ape likes the package I'm sending him.
MASTER JOE
What is it? A neutron bomb? The Black Plague? A maggot-ridden headless rabid
muskrat?
ZOPE
Nah, it's just ten pounds of pure vitamin A--he'll go nuts trying to figure
out what it is!
*TZ*
Text Zope 6 "Zope and Mall Fun"
(From OsoaWeek 015, 11/3/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6151 (5/17/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
Well Weasel, here we are in the mall parking lot!
WEASEL
Now what are we going to do again?
ZOPE
We're gonna tell people lies and get them to buy us stuff!
WEASEL
Oh. So where is everybody?
ZOPE
The mall doesn't open for another fifteen minutes.
WEASEL
Why get here so early?
ZOPE
You'll find out--look!
Two security guards park and start walking into the mall, glancing suspiciously
at Zope and Weasel.
WEASEL
So?
ZOPE
It's the best part! After we start hassling people, someone will inevitably
inform mall security, and we can have fun fighting with them!
WEASEL
You know Zope, that's why I like being your friend--you think up ways of
having fun no one else would ever dream of!
ZOPE
Yeah, and I didn't even tell you the part about the insane adolescent virgin
fighter pilots or the antimatter death cannons yet!
*TZ*
Text Zope 7 "Supermarket Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 016, 11/10/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6151 (5/17/97), copyright
1997
ED APE
Hello Zope. How nice to see you here at the supermarket.
ZOPE
I'm only here to steal and kill. If you don't want one or the other done
to you, get the fuck out of my way.
ED APE
Now Zope, be a nice shopper. Choose some good food and then go pay for it.
ZOPE
Raisin bran!
Zope hurls a box of raisin bran at Ed Ape, but he ducks out of the way.
It hits an unsuspecting shopper in the throat, killing her.
ED APE
Why do you kill all these poor, innocent people, Zope?
ZOPE
I wanna kill you--UNDEAD SCALLOP RAY TRICK!
Zope zaps a package of fresh scallops with a ray gun, bringing them back
to life, and guiding them to cling to Ed Ape.
ED APE
Hmph! Real mature, Zope.
ZOPE
Writhe in scallop hell, blasted simian!
Someone taps Zope on the shoulder.
MANAGER
I'm the manager here--I hope you were planning on paying for those scallops
and that raisin bran.
Zope does not look happy.
Cut to store manager, strung up to a bunch of shelves, arms wide, with spaghetti
and other assorted pasta stabbed into his eyes, nose, mouth, etc.
ZOPE
Man! It's been too long since I did a good pasta crucifixion!
*TZ*
Text Zope 8 "Scientist Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 017, 11/17/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6151 (5/17/97), copyright
1997
ATROV
Hi Zope!
ZOPE
Shut up! I'm doing a very important experiment! Master Joe is dreaming,
and he's gonna call me from a payphone in his dream!
ATROV
Oh come on Zope--that's not possible!
ZOPE
Someone as ugly and stupid as you isn't possible either, but you manage
to exist!
Suddenly, the phone rings.
ZOPE
Hello! Joe! You did it!
MASTER JOE
No, sorry Zope. I just woke up. It was one of those damn weirdo company
payphones--it wouldn't take my calling card number! And Zope--I mean, you
think I'd be charged, even if it did work? How much is Dreamworld to reality
gonna be? Like a million bucks?
ZOPE
Did you ever hear of calling collect, goddammit? You get back to sleep and
call me collect for goodness sake! Sheesh!
ATROV
Didn't work, huh?
ZOPE
Atrov, you're no scientist. SO GET OUT OF HERE! THIS LABORATORY IS FOR SCIENTISTS
ONLY! BEGONE!
ATROV
Sorry--I though it was just your living room.
ZOPE
Get out! It's usually my living room but for now it's my temporary laboratory!
The phone rings again.
ZOPE
Hello!
MASTER JOE
I tried again, but I couldn't decide--should I dial zero or 1-800-COLLECT?
*TZ*
Text Zope 9 "Virtual Reality Complaining Zope"
(From OsoaWeek 018, 11/24/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6151 (5/17/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
Okay Fombat, come on--let's go.
FOMBAT (in a Virtuality pod with HMD on)
Aw no Zope! I gotta play one more game of Dactyl Nightmare! I just gotta!
I think I'm really getting the hang of it!
ZOPE
You've had years to get the fricken hang of Dactyl Nightmare--it's the only
game any of these lame-ass places ever has! I mean, what the hell? Imagine
if all arcades only had Knights of the Round or something--and no other
machines--ever! That's what this stupid Virtuality shit is like.
FOMBAT
Oh Zope! You know they used to have that sit-down Battletech kind of ride
here! That was different.
ZOPE
That game sucked and it was here for about two weeks before they pulled
it!
VIRTUAL REALITY CLERK
Um sir--you're going to have to step down from the platform unless you give
me another boarding pass.
FOMBAT reaches into his pocket, looking for a boarding pass.
ZOPE
(grabbing the CLERK by his collar)
I'm tired of you people! Goddammit! It's a ticket, not a boarding pass!
Get over it! It's just a video game! It's not anything special!
CLERK
(choking)
Sir! Sir! I'll sue you if you don't put me down!
ZOPE pushes the CLERK away, but instantly produces a grenade launcher and
points it at the CLERK's head.
ZOPE
(pulling the trigger)
Okay I'll see you in court!
The CLERK is blown apart real good.
FOMBAT
What just happened? I can't see?
ZOPE
Don't worry, pal. It's part of your virtual reality experience!
*TZ*
Text Zope 10 "Zope and the Obscure Sticker"
(From OsoaWeek 019, 12/1/94)
by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana, Tarb 6151 (5/17/97), copyright
1997
ZOPE
Why is there a giant Purple Pieman scratch-n-sniff sticker on my hovercraft?
ED APE
I thought you liked weird stuff like that.
ZOPE hits ED APE in the face with a crowbar.
*TZ*
Get All Obliviana!