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|| -------- -- ----- A E R I E O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- TEXT ZOPE 23-33 <------- || Zope || Text Zope || -------> (Cup ZPtz003, Created v3 (10/3/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = ------------------- Text Zope 023: "Zope's Bagheera Wombat" (From OsoaWeek 032, 3/2/95) ----------- TIN ALLEY RASCAL So nice of you to meet me in the park so we can walk our pets together! ZOPE Yeah, yeah, beautiful. How do you like Flock of Seagull's Scientifically Scandinavian Morton the Bastard? TIN ALLEY RASCAL That's some name, Zope my friend! But, er, what exactly is it...? ZOPE Stupid ass! It's a Bagheera wombat! TIN ALLEY RASCAL Eh? Come again? ZOPE It's a wombat that's been trained since birth to emulate Bagheera, the black panther from that Jungle Book cartoon. See? His fur is dyed the deepest black. And he sure is a ferocious little mother. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Well sir, certainly a pet worthy of Zope! And I see he's getting along with my Dandie Dinmont, Claude-Francois. ZOPE Nah. He's just lulling him into a false sense of security before... Suddenly, the Bagheera wombat leaps forward and quickly mutilates the little dog. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Dear god! Claude-Francois! My little dear! What has Zope done to you? Oh the horror... ZOPE Stop babbling you spineless jellyfish. I did you a favor having Bastard here slice and dice that little fag dog of your. And with this handy resurrection spray/air freshener I've devised, we'll bring him back to life much better than he used to be! TIN ALLEY RASCAL Oh Zope, do you suppose that's possible? ZOPE (spraying can) Of course! Would I lie to you? TIN ALLEY RASCAL Oh, fabulous! My dear Clause-Francois! Please come back to me. ZOPE Oh, but I did use a lot of maggot and toad DNA in the spray, so you gotta expect Claude'll come out a LITTLE different... The dog comes back to life, as a horrible maggot/toad/dog monstrosity. TIM ALLEY RASCAL Holy cow! ZOPE "Holy cow?" Shouldn't you say something more like "Fuck you, you fucking goddamn bitch" to me? TIN ALLEY RASCAL I... I... ZOPE Okay, hold on you stammering pussy. Would you like Bastard here to kill little Claudy-Poo? TIN ALLEY RASCAL Y-yes. G-go ahead and d-do it. *RETCH!* TIN ALLEY RASCAL vomits. ZOPE Kill. Bastard leaps onto the horrible creature, and kills it. TIN ALLEY RASCAL (gasping) Zope... Zope... Why...? ZOPE 'Cause you looked like a fucking homo walking around with a dog like that! Now, you can get a cool Bagheera wombat like me! TIN ALLEY RASCAL gives ZOPE a very confused look. ------------------- Text Zope 024: "Barbed Wire Expert Guy Zope" (From OsoaWeek 033, 3/9/95) ----------- ZOPE (addressing crowd) Okay people, listen up! As barbed wire testers, you got a tough job ahead of you, but that's why you make the big bucks, right! RAT 17 (whispering) Uh, Zope--these folks aren't getting paid--they're political prisoners or something--you remember--the ones we got at a big discount? ZOPE Who cares? RAT 17 gives Zope a concerned look. ZOPE (looking at clipboard) Now, my friends, today we'll be testing three brands of barbed wire in their prototype stage--"Flesh Ruiner", "Razor Kill Constrictor", and "Rainstorm of Blood". RAT 17 (whispering) They don't look too happy, boss! ZOPE Don't worry--I'm a great motivator when I want to be! RAT 17 Uh-oh... ZOPE To aid in your climbing over all three barbed wire fences, I have forty insane Crovazocks waiting behind those doors to annihilate any stragglers. You know Crovazocks--those genetic marvels, made up of equal parts of pit bull, piranha fish, bulldozer, and Leona Helmsley. PERSON IN THE CROWD All I did was question the President's education policy! Do I really deserve this? ZOPE Hold on a second, let me confer with my assistant. ZOPE and RAT 17 whisper to each other. ZOPE Uh, sir--no, we've decided you don't deserve it. But you know--I'm just too lazy to go through all the red tape to let you go, so fuck it! The PERSON IN THE CROWD looks disappointed. ZOPE Okay gang? Ready? On your marks, get set, GO! ------------------- Text Zope 025: "Zope's New Catchphrase" (From OsoaWeek 040, 4/27/95) ----------- ZOPE Hey Weez--check out my new catchphrase. WEASEL Huh? ZOPE (approaching CASHIER) Hold on man, check it out... WEASEL Yeah, yeah. ZOPE (holding out $8000 bill) Hey buddy, can you change an 8000? CASHIER Uh, I'm sorry sir. We don't take any bills higher than a 20. ZOPE What? CASHIER Nothing over a 20. Store policy. Try a bank. ZOPE glares at the CASHIER. ZOPE So you're saying I can't buy this, uh, this Blow Pop here? Huh? You're gonna make me go hungry just because I have too much money for you? CASHIER Sir, I can't help you. ZOPE throws the Blow Pop on the ground. ZOPE Fuck you--GOODBYE! ZOPE turns and leaves, grabbing Weasel around the shoulder and laughing hysterically. ZOPE Haha! That was great! WEASEL Um... ZOPE Hahaha! Fuck you--GOODBYE! Haha! Is that great? WEASEL Um... so that's the catchphrase? Fuck you, goodbye? ZOPE No man! You Gotta say it with feeling! Come on, like this... Fuck you--GOODBYE! You gotta say the "goodbye" part like you wanna kill the guy! Okay, come on. Try it. WEASEL Zope, I don't... ZOPE Fuckin' do it, man! WEASEL Oh okay. Fuck you man, goodbye! ZOPE No no no--all wrong. There's no "man" in my catchphrase, whattaya think I am? A loser? Now c'mon! Do it right! WEASEL FUCK YOU, GOODBYE! ZOPE Hmm, better! Of course I say it the best, 'cause it's MY catchphrase, but not bad Weasel. Not bad. WEASEL Thanks. ZOPE Hey Weez--remember that catchphrase you had a long time ago? Back when you were a barbarian? What was it? WEASEL I don't remember. ZOPE Yeah you do! It was like the funniest catchphrase, c'mon what was it? WEASEL Oh--I don't know. Something like "Clear out! The killer is in!" or something. ZOPE Hahaha! That's it! Huffaw! "Clear out--the KILLER is in!" Haha! That's a classic. A real classic. WEASEL Yeah. Better'n yours. ZOPE (stopping and glaring at WEASEL) Don't fuck with my catchphrase, man! WEASEL I know, I just... ZOPE Fuck you--GOODBYE! ZOPE turns and starts away, then stops and turns back. ZOPE Haha! Tricked ya! I'm not really mad, I just wanted to use my catchphrase again! WEASEL *Sigh.* ------------------- Text Zope 026: "Gale Zope" (From OsoaWeek 041, 5/4/95) ----------- ZOPE It sure is windy. MASTER JOE Yup. The old madman really has his fan on tonight. ZOPE What? MASTER JOE Oh, just a saying from Chaire. ZOPE Chaire? Oh yeah, that planet you're from. MASTER JOE That's the one. ZOPE Huh. You know, a lot of these old saying have their basis in reality. I bet there WAS an old madman with a fan making wind on Chaire. MASTER JOE Who knows? There's no way to find out at this point. ZOPE Oh yes there is. MASTER JOE What? ZOPE Dimtrav. MASTER JOE Dimtrav? Dimension travel? Isn't that the power high school losers try to get so they can beat up the guys who bully them, do the girls who ignore them, and run away to some exotic, adventurous locale to be a superhero? ZOPE Uh-huh. MASTER JOE You can do it? ZOPE Yeah, it looked it up in the Akashic Records. I got it on CD-ROM. Fits on just one. Helluva compression scheme... MASTER JOE Hold on a second--you're talking about THE Akashic Records, the... the repository of ALL the information about EVERYTHING? ZOPE That's it. It's really useful, you know? Like, I was at the arcade the other day, and I was saying to myself, you know, I must have spent billions of dollars in quarters. So I looked it up--and you know what? I've only spent about $78,480,000 on arcade games. MASTER JOE How was it on there? ZOPE Everything's on there! MASTER JOE But did you play any games SINCE you bought the CD-ROM? ZOPE It doesn't matter! The Akashic Records cover all time, all space, all dimensions. MASTER JOE So you can see the future? ZOPE Not only that--you can get video--from any angle, mind you--from any part of anybody's life. MASTER JOE Geez! ZOPE Yeah--I programmed a nice little sequence--"Sherilyn Fenn's Best Showers". It's a gas! MASTER JOE Where could you have gotten something that cool? ZOPE Ah, from some catalog. MASTER JOE But how does it... I mean, isn't that a lot of data, everything about everything? ZOPE Like I said, heck of a data compression scheme. MASTER JOE Hmm. So we could look up about the old madman right? Rather than dimtravving to him? ZOPE I guess, but dimtrav is so much more fun. Here... With a *XOING!* sound, ZOPE and MASTER JOE dimtrav to a desolate mountaintop. ZOPE He should be around here somewhere... MASTER JOE Whoah! I'm back on Chaire! ZOPE Time of the Gods, by my reckoning. MASTER JOE What!? The... the... ZOPE ...Time of the Gods. Where you've always dreamed of going. MASTER JOE How... when did I tell you about that? ZOPE I looked it up in the Akashic Records. MASTER JOE (looking up, awed) You wha... wha... wha... ZOPE What is it? ZOPE looks up to see an enormous OLD MADMAN, holding an open fold-out fan in one hand. ZOPE (in discovery) Hello! OLD MADMAN (booming) Be ye blown away! The OLD MADMAN waves his fan, and ZOPE and MASTER JOE are caught in the gale, and are carried along n the winds. MASTER JOE (seeing ZOPE in the distance) So... so it's true! ZOPE Looks that way, pal. MASTER JOE So uh... can we dimtrav back home now? ZOPE No can do, Joe dude. Gotta have solid ground under your feet to do it. MASTER JOE Darn. ZOPE Don't worry. We gotta land someday. That old freak can't keep on fanning forever. MASTER JOE What if he can? ZOPE (pulling notebook computer out of his jacket) Hold on, man--let me look it up! MASTER JOE A laptop with CD-ROM! ZOPE AND active-matrix color display! Hmm... well Joe, it says here in the Akashic records that the Old Madman CAN keep on fanning forever--if you don't take him out with an ICBM. MASTER JOE ICBM? Intercontinental ballistic missile? ZOPE Yeah. Lucky I got one, huh? Only 200 megatons though. Pity. Oh well, lemme just hit it with a little bit of enlargement ray to get it back to normal size and... THERE SHE GOES! MASTER JOE Zope, are you sure we're far enough away to... *NUKOLA!* *XOING!* MASTER JOE We're back! ZOPE Yeah--a little piece of ground hit my foot in the nuclear explosion. Lucky, huh? MASTER JOE I guess. So what happened to the Old Madman? ZOPE He's tougher than we thought. He managed to blow the foul, irradiated air all over the planet--effectively ending the Time of the Gods. And eventually, he too succumbed to the effects of deity radiation sickness. MASTER JOE So you mean... ZOPE Yes Joe--it's your fault the Time of the Gods ended. If you hadn't quoted that old saying, who knows? Chaire might still be the paradise it once was. No Vulcocksie, no nothin' bad. MASTER JOE You really know how to hurt a guy, Zope. ZOPE Aw, don't be such a pill about it. I had to wait 4-6 weeks for shipping on that Akashic Records CD-ROM, and now that I have it, you better let me have some fun with it without laying a big guilt trip! MASTER JOE *Sigh.* ------------------- Text Zope 027: "Cran-Jay Zope" (From OsoaWeek 042, 5/11/95) ----------- ZOPE Hey Ratty man! Check out what I found at the ice cream place! ZOPE shows RAT 17 a can reading "BEGULANT--CRAN-JAY BEVERAGE--'The refreshing taste of cranberries and blue jays--lightly carbonated--it's a good thing!'--(brand name) GULPEM" RAT 17 Oh, another of your Gulpem drinks! Wow. ZOPE Whattaya mean, MY drink? I just got it cuz it looked cool. RAT 17 I know Zope, but--but don't you sometimes pretend to be that guy Lester Gulpem, who invents all those drinks? ZOPE What the hell are you talking about, you little worm? RAT 17 I... I mean... you know Zope, I must have gotten confused. Y-you're right. You're not Lester Gulpem. Heh. ZOPE opens the can and takes a drink. ZOPE Delicious! Now Ratty, come on. Tell me about this Lester Gulpem. What, is he a guy who resembles me? RAT 17 I dunno, kinda. ZOPE Hey? RAT 17 I don't know. A little maybe. ZOPE (producing another can) Aha! Why don't you drink some of this, ya little freak, and then tell me! RAT 17 looks at the can..."LUISCOT--SODIUM PENTATHOL TRUTH BEVERAGE--'Tangy truth serum blend--Honesty is the best policy!--lightly carbonated--I like that!'--(brand name) GULPEM" RAT 17 Uh, I don't know, Zope. I mean, I'm not really that thirsty, and... RAT 17 looked up to see ZOPE holding a loaded crossbow to RAT 17's head. ZOPE Drink up kid! Be a good kid! RAT 17 O-okay, Zope. RAT 17 nervously drinks the LUISCOT. ZOPE (lowering crossbow) Well? RAT 17 Well what? ZOPE Tell me everything you know about Lester Gulpem. RAT 17 I'll tell you alright. You're a lunatic Zope. YOU are LESTER GULPEM. You're nuts! And you know what? I think you're just doing this to be cool. You know you're Gulpem. You're just being mean to me! ZOPE It works! Haha, it works! Hot-diggety! RAT 17 So you admit that you're Lester Gulpem, Zope? ZOPE Of course I'm Lester Gulpem--but where are you getting this Zope name from? I've never heard of any Zope! RAT 17 Oh no... ------------------- Text Zope 028: "Transcript Zope" (From OsoaWeek 044, 5/25/95) ----------- ZOPE (clicking off TV) Got it! MASTER JOE (building model of tall ship) Huh? ZOPE I got it--the address to write to to get a transcript of the MacLaughlin Group! MASTER JOE Why not just tape it? ZOPE And then what--sit and write the whole thing out myself? Hah! You think I have time for that? MASTER JOE Actually... ZOPE Okay, so I have time for it--but it's tedious! I wouldn't be able to! I'd do four or five lines and then fall into a blue funk, and probably start building a new wave entertainment complex in Wisconsin or something. MASTER JOE But--why not just watch it again if you want to refer to it? ZOPE It's not random access, man! Video you gotta fast forward and rewind. Did you ever see one of those damn GE commercials on fast rewind? Not a pretty sight. MASTER JOE But do they say anything good on that show? I mean, when's that show on--11, noon? Who the hell's up that early on Sunday? ZOPE Nobody. That's why I tape it. MASTER JOE So you already... ZOPE Listen--if I wanna go to a specific part, in the transcript all I gotta do is flip pages, none of this rewind, fast forward stuff. MASTER JOE Why not a video server with a hot link transcript? ZOPE Huh? MASTER JOE You know, digitize every episode of McLaughlin, digitize it all, and dump it onto a terabyte RAM chip. I hear the prices are really coming down these days. ZOPE For a terabyte? Yeah, around $400. MASTER JOE There ya go! ZOPE Yeah--I can wire my fiber optic line into the time doorway--and call the future to get a complete set of all McLaughlin's! MASTER JOE That's the spirit. ZOPE Uh-huh. MASTER JOE Are you okay, Zope? ZOPE I... MASTER JOE Zope? ZOPE I don't know. I'm alright. It's just that, a few moments ago my McLaughlin attention span, like, expired. I have no interest in it at all anymore. Fuck it. MASTER JOE You should try to work through that attention problem. ZOPE Fuck off! Before I lose interest in not killing you! ------------------- Text Zope 029: "Cobblestone Zope" (From OsoaWeek 046, 6/8/95) ----------- ZOPE Hey Joe--what the hell are cobblestones, and why would anyone ever want to make a street out of them? MASTER JOE Uh--I think they're these little yellow pellets, like, uh, made out of a naturally-occurring plastic-like resin, and, uh... ZOPE Ah, you're no help. If I wanna learn about cobblestones, I'll have to go it alone. Robot 90! C'mere! ROBOT 90 Yes master what is thy bidding? ZOPE Yeah, why don't you go prepare my... hold on a second... did I just hear you use the word "thy"? ROBOT 90 Please hold while I check my memory banks... *click*--*click*--*click*... yes my lord, I did use the word "thy". ZOPE And why's that? ROBOT 90 Insufficient data... but it may have something to do with my fixation with the King Arthur legend... ZOPE (hitting ROBOT 90 on the head) Well get over it, and go get my Flyin' Chess Bishop ready! ROBOT 90 Yes sir. Sorry. MASTER JOE Man, you sure are lenient with your robots. If wunna mine gave me that kind of lip, I'd blast it to fuckin' hell! ZOPE Well Joe, that's the difference between you and me. You're a hothead, who acts before he thinks. Me, I'm rational. When I do something, I do it for a reason. MASTER JOE Yeah, right. ZOPE Shut up you! Just for that you can't come with me in my Flyin' Chess Bishop to go and find out about cobblestones! MASTER JOE I thought you decided to go alone already. ZOPE Out! Out of my house! Out of Zopekeep! Don't piss me off, man! MASTER JOE (turning and leaving) Okay, okay! Jeez! And he calls ME the hothead! ZOPE I heard that! LATER... ZOPE sits at the controls of his Flyin' Chess Bishop. ZOPE Ah yes, this is the good life. Sittin' back, wreaking a little havoc at a couple military bases bombarding them with a rain of mischief-magic ball bearings, coloring all the clouds in the area a deep blood-red, zapping a nest of ten-thousand blue chipmunks with my human-level-intelligence ray, makin' railroads that lead nowhere, developing a hot new trading string game, demolishing The Wall Street Journal and forcing all its writers to become coopers, growing a clone of M. C. Escher to help me with my self-portrait, nuking Norway (hah hah! I never get tired of nuking Norway!), and trying to figure out that damn "Masquerade" book. I want that golden bunny, dammit! FLYIN' CHESS BISHOP COMPUTER WARNING. Approaching cobblestone street area. WARNING. Approaching cobblestone street area. WARNING... ZOPE Okay! Shut the fuck up already! FLYIN' CHESS BISHOP COMPUTER Unknown word--"fuck"--please define. ZOPE SHUT UP! I'll flay your circuits, you goddamn piece of shit! FLYIN' CHESS BISHOP COMPUTER WARNING. Approaching cobblestone... With a *BASH!*, Zope smashes the console and silences the computer. ZOPE That's better. Now to survey the cobblestones! SOON... ZOPE (kneeling down, examining the street) Hmm... the street seems to be made entirely of smooth stones, held together with some kind of glue-like substance... Hmm... SIMIJAR May I help you? ZOPE Huh? SIMIJAR I am Simijar, Goddess of Cobblestones. I sensed your need to understand. I came. ZOPE Whoah, you're pretty hot! For a goddess of cobblestones, that is. SIMIJAR Why thank you! ZOPE (thinking) Oh boy! Imagine how cool it'd be to have a girlfriend who's a goddess of cobblestones! I'll show that Numizmonia! I'll show her I don't need her--cuz I got SIMIJAR, GODDESS OF COBBLESTONES as my girlfriend! SIMIJAR Are you okay, little friend? ZOPE (getting angry) Little...! (getting calmer) Oh, uh, no, not at all, uh, Simijar. Just thinking how nice it would be if such a lovely goddess as you would accompany me in my Flyin' Chess Bishop for a romantic evening dinner on the River Litherbine. SIMIJAR Oh... what a sweet offer. I wish I could, but... but the King of the Gods, Doirzaine, does not allow goddesses to mingle with mortals. ZOPE Uh, wait here for a minute, okay? SOON... ZOPE is beating the crap out of DOIRZAINE. ZOPE Okay bub--whattaya say? Wanna make an exception to your stupid little rule so's I can go out with Simijar? DOIRZAINE Insolent pup! I'll never... ZOPE bashes DOIRZAINE in the face. DOIRZAINE You... you'll pay for this... ZOPE spends some time beating the crap out of DOIRZAINE. DOIRZAINE Enough! Enough! Stop! I give in! You have permission... no more... no more... ZOPE Thanks, you fuckin' pussy! SOON... SIMIJAR Oh, jolly good! I did so want to go out with you! It was so kind of Doirzaine to acquiesce! ZOPE That it was, babe. That it was. ------------------- Text Zope 030: "TV Pix Zope" (From OsoaWeek 049, 6/29/95) ----------- ZOPE Get a loadda this, Joe! A TV and phone wire leading into a time hole right to the mid-'70s! MASTER JOE So? ZOPE SO!? Come on man! I'm gonna play TV Pix! MASTER JOE What the hell is that? ZOPE What is it? Are you on drugs, man? It's only the coolest in-between afternoon cartoons thing ever! MASTER JOE Yeah? ZOPE Yeah! It was on WPIX, channel 11 in the New York/New Jersey/Connecticut area. What it was was--they had these Mattel Intellivision on the screen, and a kid called in, and whenever he said "Pix", the laser would fire or the quarterback would pass, you know. MASTER JOE So this was an online thing? ZOPE Haha! No way! All it was was some guy on the other end hitting the fire button whenever you said the magic word, "Pix". MASTER JOE So you're gonna play now? ZOPE (adjusting knobs and dials) Yeah... as soon as I can get this darn thing tuned to the right time... Suddenly, the title "TV PIX" comes up on the screen. ANNOUNCER Okay kids! It's time again for TV Pix on WPIX channel 11! Call in now to play! ZOPE frantically dials the phone. ANNOUNCER Today we'll be playing Astroblast, and the winner will get an autographed Pop Warner Joe Namath tot-football. Okay--I think we have our contestant... hello? ZOPE Hello? ANNOUNCER Hi there--what's your name, caller? ZOPE Zope. ANNOUNCER Soap? ZOPE No--ZOPE, with a Z, you fruitcake. ANNOUNCER Oh... okay, uh, Zope, I... Let's get ready to play TV Pix! Are you ready Zope? ZOPE Never been more. ANNOUNCER Good. The rules are, every time you say "Pix", a laser blast will zap out and fry any alien cruiser in the target area. If you can get ten or more in 30 seconds, you win the football! ZOPE Sounds great, chief. ANNOUNCER Okay--go! ZOPE Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! Pix! While ZOPE keeps saying this, every single alien shipped is zapped and destroyed. ANNOUNCER Whoah, Zope! You had a perfect score--26. What's your secret? ZOPE You just keep saying Pix as fast as you can, you moron! I've watched this show--and every kid who kept saying it always won! ANNOUNCER That's very... good advice, Zope! Now stay on the line and we'll take down your address, okay? ZOPE Okay, and I also wanted to mention the full-scale, thermonuclear war that's gonna occur in 1980--so kids--may as well drop out of school, loot, rape, pillage, and all that--y'only gotta few years left--and ya don't wanna spend 'em bored to death listening to some douchebag droning on about cotton gins, hypotenuses, and magnesium! ZOPE hangs up. MASTER JOE Sure that was a good idea, Zope? ZOPE Goddamn, who cares? That was great fun. And who gives a crap what happens in an alternate timeline anyway? Maybe there Generation X will turn out better. MASTER JOE Yeah--with all that looting and pillaging-- ZOPE --and raping-- MASTER JOE --yeah--and raping--thy won't have time to watch so much bad TV to become obsessed with in their twenties! ZOPE Yeah... CRAP! MASTER JOE What? ZOPE How the heck am I gonna get my Joe Namath tot-football now? MASTER JOE Um... maybe just wait about fifteen minutes until you lose interest in it? ZOPE Yeah, that'll do it. ------------------- Text Zope 031: "Venture Capital Zope" (From OsoaWeek 066, 10/27/95) ----------- ZOPE (standing at podium) Thank you all for coming. As you know, "Cin-otel" is my latest semiconscious concoction--and I'm here to tell you why you should invest in this brilliant new concept! RAT 17 Tell 'em about the moving rooms! ZOPE (raising his fist, then calming down and lowering it) Callate Raton Diezisiete! (That's Spanish folks.) RAT 17 Sorry, Zope. ZOPE I'll get to everything in my good time. Now. Cin-otel is the greatest concept, because it incorporates several key ideas. And the central one is the... uh... moving rooms. RAT 17 Yeah! ZOPE You see, when you stay at Cin-otel, you don't take the elevator to your room--it comes to you! And through a complex system of winches, pulleys, electromagnetism, and lack of common sense, you can drive your hotel room all over the entertainment complex! RAT 17 Into a whole bunch of giant movie theaters! ZOPE Ah, yes. My eager little friend here can't seem to hold back his enthusiasm. But yes, you can maneuver your room into one of numerous gigantic movie theaters, where you can catch the latest films in total privacy--one-way glass, see. RAT 17 And everything smells like... ZOPE It all smells like cinnamon. Get it, my friends? CINN-amon, CIN-otel? It adds that heart-warming touch that tells people it's a Zope property. RAT 17 So guests stay in their room the whole time! ZOPE Yes, my friend, they do. It's the most relaxing vacation ever. RAT 17 Yeah! ZOPE So gentlemen--to recap the reasons to invest--high growth potential, flexible cash flow, innovative design, business-friendly, and of course--the best reason of all--I won't kill you. ------------------- Text Zope 032: "Pristine Zope" (From OsoaWeek 105, 7/27/96) ----------- ZOPE That's it... haha!... I got it! Yup... absolutely... I am finally PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. MASTER JOE What? ZOPE I have finally achieved a state of TOTAL PERFECTION! Can't you see? MASTER JOE I see you standing in a weird position like a total fag. ZOPE What the fu-- Ah! Ah! Haha... you almost got me angry there, but in my enlightened, flawless state I am incapable of negativity. We're talking pure as the driven snow here. MASTER JOE So what are ya gonna do, stand there like that forever? ZOPE Of course, you stu-- I mean... of course I am--for perfection is timeless. MASTER JOE That's cool... Oh, Zope, by the way, that new cable channel "RMH" is about to go on the air, in a few minutes. ZOPE Eh? MASTER JOE You know... RMH... the "Retards, Monkeys, and Hitler Documentary Channel"--all they show is documentaries about morons, apes, and Nazis. ZOPE abandons his "perfect" stance and runs over to look at the TV. ZOPE No fucking way! I love shows about retards, monkeys, and Hitler! That's the best idea I ever heard! MASTER JOE What about perfection? ZOPE Fuck perfection, bring on the 'tards. ------------------- Text Zope 033: "Drug Zope" (From OsoaWeek 106, 8/3/96) ----------- ZOPE What are drugs? WEASEL I don't know! Why don't we look it up on the Internet? ZOPE Good idea! Fire up the old 128K Mac and let's surf on over to Alta Vista! WEASEL Do we have to use that old piece of shit computer, Zope? ZOPE Of course! That "piece of shit" as you call it is why 1984 wasn't like 1984! WEASEL *Sigh* LATER... ZOPE Huh! Interesting! Drugs are chemical substances that alter brain chemistry to produce euphoric and mind-altering states of mind! WEASEL Really? ZOPE Yeah! We gotta try 'em sometime. They sound cool. WEASEL They do. They do. ZOPE detaches a Walkman-like device from his belt and turns it off. ZOPE See Weasel, I told you that my new product, the Pocket Limited Dementia Generator, is a real gas! Wasn't that great how we didn't know what drugs were? WEASEL I guess. ZOPE What do you mean "I guess"? WEASEL I mean... I don't know... it kind of made me feel like an idiot. Not knowing that. ZOPE You dumb fucker! That's the whole point of it! Learning things for the first time all over again! WEASEL I don't know... ZOPE reaches under his desk and pulls out another of the devices, and switches it off. ZOPE Hahaha! WEASEL Huh? ZOPE See pal? I tricked ya! I had another wunna these babies pointed at you, making you ignorant of the fact that the Pocket Limited Dementia Generator is the coolest product ever! That's why you didn't like it! WEASEL *Sigh* -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- ----- |