|| -------- -- -----  A E R I E   O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- TEXT ZOPE 12-22 <-------  ||  Zope  ||  Text Zope  ||  -------> (Cup ZPtz002, Created v3 (10/3/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = ------------------- Text Zope 012: "Zope's Wristwatch" (From OsoaWeek 021, 12/15/94) ----------- ZOPE What do you want? METALLIC SPHERE BLUE Just comin' around to pay a visit. ZOPE Get off it. You're the bad apple out of the Metallic Sphere trio, you fuck. I know you're working for Ed Ape. METALLIC SPHERE BLUE Who told you that--Purple? Or, I know--it was that bastard Aquamarine! ZOPE I fucking hate you! Die! ZOPE whips out a baseball bat and bashes METALLIC SPHERE BLUE. METALLIC SPHERE BLUE Hahaha! It'll take more than that to kill me! ZOPE holds his wrist up. ZOPE What do you see, Blue? METALLIC SPHERE BLUE Nothing... Oh, no... Don't tell me! ZOPE Give the Metallic Sphere a cigar! Yes, it's your old friend, Ken the Invisible Wristwatch! You know--the invisible wristwatch who has the power to mind control you! METALLIC SPHERE BLUE No! I'm sorry! Do not mind control me! ZOPE Shut up! I'm deciding what I can make you do. Hmmm. Aha! Ken, make this loser go to Ed Ape's World-O-Fun and destroy all 45 Ferris wheels! METALLIC SPHERE BLUE No! Noooooo! Ed Ape will kill me! Nooooo..... METALLIC SPHERE BLUE flies away. ZOPE Heh heh. Good job, Ken. How I got along in the past without an Invisible Wristwatch, I'll never know! ------------------- Text Zope 013: "Zope and the Trouble with Fanboys" (From OsoaWeek 022, 12/22/94) ----------- ZOPE Well now, Fombat, I see you've grown out of your fan obsession with Galactus. FOMBAT You know Zope, I hadn't thought of that! But you know, you're right! Ever since you gave me your back issues of "Rom Spaceknight", my whole life has been devoted to finding one of those original Rom action figure. ZOPE It's cool to be into obscure characters, isn't it, lad? FOMBAT Yeah Zope it sure is! I mean, who wants to be into popular stuff like Spawn or X-Men? Everyone likes that. But how many hardcore Rom fans do you think are out there? It makes me unique and cool! ZOPE Ha ha, yes. Oh, and by the way, come over here. I have something you could desperately use. FOMBAT What is it? Rom trading cards? A Rom lunchbox? ZOPE No--a belt in the abdomen. ZOPE punches FOMBAT in the stomach, who then doubles over in pain. ------------------- Text Zope 014: "Zope's New Disease" (From OsoaWeek 023, 12/29/94) ----------- ZOPE Please, give me another Fresca, I must watch the entire run of "Those Amazing Animals" again for the 84th time. WEASEL I don't know Zope--don't you think that you better break out of this rut of watching "Those Amazing Animals" and drinking Fresca? ZOPE Hahaha! Look at that! Priscilla Presley. Her daughter married Michael Jackson! Hahaha! She's Michael Jackson's mother-in-law! Hahaha! She was in that movie with O.J. Simpson. Hahaha! WEASEL Now Zope, how long can you continue this madness? Please try and turn that darn show off! ZOPE I love the fuckin orangs. Whenever they have the fucking orangs on it's party time. That guy beats the shit out of them backstage I heard. WEASEL Zope, I'm gonna call Metallic Sphere Blue--he'll know what to do! ZOPE (fondling a pistol) Get me that Fresca first, pal, or else. WEASEL Uh... o-okay Z-Zope... Later... METALLIC SPHERE BLUE Ah yes, very common, this "Those Amazing Animals/Fresca" disease. One of those new designer diseases from Manitoba. It should run itself out in a few months. No worry! WEASEL No worry? You mean Zope will keep doing this for MONTHS and you say no worry? ZOPE Hahaha! I love those commercials from the '80s on the tape! Hahaha! Look at the way they dressed back then! Hahaha! Those were the days. WEASEL Zope--do you understand what you're doing? ZOPE Shut the fuck up! The miniature llamas are almost on! ------------------- Text Zope 015: "9 to 5 and Zope" (From OsoaWeek 024, 1/5/95) ----------- ZOPE (on telephone) Hello? Weasel? Yeah. I'm totally bored with my latest enterprise, you know, the naked girl Old English space station thing--so I was thinking--maybe I'll try something I've never experienced before--commuting into the city and working 9 to 5. What? Okay, I'll be here. See you in a little while. Soon... ZOPE What do you mean you think this idea of mine will end up with mass destruction and loss of life? WEASEL Now Zope, don't get mad--it's just that I can't see you being able to stand that sort of lifestyle very much. I just know you'll end up crashing the train, going on a shooting spree, and nuking the whole city! I'm just thinking of your well being. ZOPE Weasel, it's very disturbing that you can't see how much I've matured. I'm mellow now, dude! Now come on--let's do this thing together--it'll be fun! WEASEL Well... ZOPE Okay! I'll get us a job and we'll leave bright and early Monday morning. Cheer up--it'll be a great change of pace! WEASEL Oh, alright. I guess it should be okay... 5 DAYS LATER--IN THE MIDST OF A NUCLEAR WASTELAND WEASEL Zope... ZOPE Don't say it! I know you're gonna say "where did the new, mellow Zope go?" Well Weasel, let me tell you--I am mellow. Very mellow. But having to get up at 6 am, jam into a crowd of fuckheads, pass a bunch of smelly bums, exchange niceties with zombie coworkers, deal with asshole clients all day long, then jam into that crowd again just to get home, well--you can understand why I crashed the train, went on a shooting spree, and nuked the entire city, can't you, buddy? ------------------- Text Zope 016: "Zope's Mysterious Religious Idea" (From OsoaWeek 025, 1/12/95) ----------- ZOPE Ah yes! Just a few more and we'll be there! WEASEL (huffing and puffing) Zope--tell me again where you got this idea of stacking up 463 Taco Bells to reach Heaven? We've only done 14 and already I'm pooped--and not only that--it may be illegal! ZOPE Nonsense! It's for a higher purpose. And with only 449 left, it's a cinch! WEASEL Okay, but it's tiring work. And the people in the Taco Bells get mad! ZOPE Unbelievers. They had no business being in such a divine tool as a Taco Bell in the first place. Now--according to this map there's a Taco Bell 74 miles southeast of here. Be a good chap and go get it for me, will you Weasel? WEASEL *Sigh*. Okay Zope. But please--just tell me one more time how you know this is going to work. ZOPE Yes, my brother. Yes. I can see your waning faith. So I shall tell you. You see, there's an evil televangelist on channel 40, Reverend Ormond Cleer, and he is of Satan, and he is always preaching false wisdom in regards of ways to go to Heaven. But me, being such a clever guy, I kept track of all his lies and all his false ways--and when you look at all the data, the only way he DIDN'T give was stacking 463 Taco Bells up. See? WEASEL Uh... ZOPE Yes. So this is the way. Now be off! You have the Lord's work! WEASEL Oh... alright. But you know Zope, at this rate, it's gonna take forever! ZOPE Hush now, little one, and go get me that Taco Bell. ------------------- Text Zope 017: "Zope's Meteor Shower Follies" (From OsoaWeek 026, 1/19/95) ----------- ZOPE I'm goddamn tired. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Now Zope, keep the old chin up! It's not every night you get a chance to see the Veblovin meteor showers! ZOPE True. But still, I'm goddamn tired, and all I've seen are a few streaks of light which last for about a tenth of a second. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Why yes! That is what these meteors look like! ZOPE Wait a minute--I though we'd be seeing a mass of fiery death from above hailing down on the unsuspecting populace, wreaking mass destruction and chaos. Are you telling me this isn't the case? TIN ALLEY RASCAL Well, my friend, I'm afraid you misunderstood. It's very rare that a meteor survives the friction of the atmosphere to get to land. Very rare indeed. ZOPE That's rather unfortunate. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Yes--sorry old friend. ZOPE (taking out remote control) Yes--unfortunate. So I guess it's good I installed all those dimensional transporter underneath the Beaverton Mountain Range--you know--the ones that teleport things from ground level to the upper reaches of the atmosphere in space. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Oh no! That will cause terror and death! Don't do it, sir! Please restrain yourself! ZOPE Oh hush! You came for a show in the sky and that's just what you're gonna get! Zope presses a button on the remote and the sky fills with a massive firestorm. TIN ALLEY RASCAL *Sigh*. Well Zope, I must say, setting aside the death and destruction issues, you really have a beautiful display there! ZOPE I knew you'd come to see reason sooner or later, dude. ------------------- Text Zope 018: "Pretend Zope" (From OsoaWeek 027, 1/26/95) ----------- FOMBAT It's fun to pretend! Like right now, I'm pretending to be Laser Lord, one of my superheroes! Zoom, zap! ZOPE I like to pretend, too. Right now, I think I'm Claude Monet--not the regular one, though--I'm a Claude Monet who beats people senseless with a tire iron. ZOPE beats the heck out of FOMBAT with a tire iron. ------------------- Text Zope 019: "Abba Zope" (From OsoaWeek 028, 2/2/95) ----------- ZOPE What the hell is Abba? WEASEL I don't know--aren't they a band from some godawful foreign country? ZOPE I don't know. Ed Ape sent me another one of his fuckhead, cryptic faxes, trying to drive me nuts. All it says is "Abba/Fernando". WEASEL Maybe some sort of code? You know he loves to put a disarm code in when he plants a neutron bomb in a major metropolitan area--just for the excitement that maybe you'll disarm it. ZOPE Yeah, yeah--but he wouldn't be so obvious about it. No--it must be something else... WEASEL See? You're playing right into his hands! It's probably nothing. ZOPE Sweden! That's it--they're a band from Sweden! Weasel--what music have you got from there? WEASEL Um--let's see--oh yeah--I got a single from Ace of Base called "She Wants a Baby" or something. ZOPE Yes, yes! Another clue--he may have intelligence on your CD collection--knowing we'd listen to it--to discover the clues... WEASEL Well, okay Zope, I'll put it on, but I don't know... After 85 listenings of the song... ZOPE Hmm... I don't know. Are you getting anything yet? Any sort of clue or anything? WEASEL I don't think so. It's just--it's gotta just be more of Ed Ape's psychological warfare! ZOPE Yeah, well I'm starting to agree with you. And you know what? I was saving it, but I have a canister of Ebola with Ed Ape's name on it! C'mon, help me load it into a cruise missile. I'll show him there are other forms of warfare besides psychological! WEASEL *Sigh.* ------------------- Text Zope 020: "Zope's Hamburger Cough Drops" (From OsoaWeek 029, 2/9/95) ----------- ZOPE Joe, Weasel, Rascal--as you know, I've asked you here as a focus group for my newest product. If any of you don't feel up to the task, you may leave now. MASTER JOE No, I'm happy to help, Zope. WEASEL Lay it on us. TIN ALLEY RASCAL I'm pleased to help. And truly, Zope, some of your products need help! ZOPE gives TIN ALLEY RASCAL a cold stare. ZOPE Very well then. Let us begin. ZOPE unveils a display, with a sign reading "Hamburger Cough Drops", and a variety of cough drops in the size and shape of a hamburger. WEASEL "Hamburger cough drops"? You mean like hamburgers with cough drop style medicine inside? TIN ALLEY RASCAL Excellent! Medicated fast food! Capital idea, my good fellow. MASTER JOE Uh... ZOPE You are all quite mistaken. My idea is more brilliant, more inspired--these are giant cough drops, in the size and shape of a hamburger. See, I started with the idea of giant cough drops, but forming them into hamburger shapes increases the market awareness, see? The three sit, looking confused. ZOPE (handing each of the three a hamburger cough drop) Here now. The test is very simple. I will leave the room and spray a cold-virus-laden mist into the room. After about twelve hours, you will all start exhibiting cold symptoms. At that point, you are to lick away at your hamburger cough drops until they are FULLY EATEN. Then we shall see if your symptoms are relieved. WEASEL Uh, Zope... ZOPE runs out of the room, slams the door shut, and clicks on the lock. ZOPE (in control room) Now prepare for the mist... TIN ALLEY RASCAL Ho now, friend! I've not acquiesced on the nature of this test! Kindly let me go! WEASEL Yeah, uh, I'm not, uh, so sure either... MASTER JOE Aw, c'mon guys. It'll be fun! ZOPE Thank you Joe! See guys, Joe's willing to do it, so you should be, too. WEASEL Well... TIN ALLEY RASCAL I don't want to rock the boat, but... well, if Joe's willing to do it, I guess I... WEASEL (looking behind Joe) Hey! Wait a minute! What are all these wires back here? ZOPE Eh? WEASEL Yeah look! This isn't Master Joe! This is an audio-animatron of him! You tricked us! TIN ALLEY RASCAL A fiendish plan, my dear Zope, but you're discovered! ZOPE Uh, well... audio-animatrons can get colds too, and I just, uh, happened to have a Master Joe one lying around, so... OH, WHY AM I EXPLAINING MYSELF? WE HAVE WORK TO DO! PREPARE FOR VIRAL MIST! WEASEL *Sigh.* ------------------- Text Zope 021: "Zope's Curious Proposal" (From OsoaWeek 030, 2/16/95) ----------- ZOPE I wanna bash some brains. I'm pissed. WEASEL Now Zope, come on--the person you're rooting for on "Wheel of Fortune" can't always win! ZOPE You know Weasel, what you're saying makes sense at some esoteric level, but regardless, someone will pay--and pay dearly. WEASEL Okay Zope--how 'bout this? Why don't you channel your aggression in a positive way. Why don't we do one of your mayhem proposals? ZOPE Ah! Aha, yes, my friend! That's a great idea. And I know just the one... College Night 1983 Materialize-A-Dorm! WEASEL Uh, I'm afraid to ask, but is this one of your REALLY, REALLY involved proposals? ZOPE Nothing of the sort! All we need to do is time/space travel back to a college campus at night in 1983, and use a Class R dorm materializer to create a brand new, ultra cool dorm where anything goes! It's a wicked scenario, guaranteed to provide over a week's worth of entertainment. I worked it all out on paper. WEASEL Well, I don't know... ZOPE Relax pal! See, what happens is, kids start coming in, and there's all the stuff they like--drugs, alcohol, rock'n'roll, and sex-slave-androids for everyone! Soon all the students are killing each other trying to get in, and the administration gets the local police involved, and eventually the National Guard. Of course, there'll be an inexhaustible supply of small arms the kids can use to defend their stronghold! WEASEL So how does it all end? ZOPE Well I'm not through yet! After a few days of intense combat, enormous vents begin to spout forth billions and billions of dollars in cash, and the resulting rain of currency causes even more mass hysteria. WEASEL What then? ZOPE I think we'll use a Yexfloix-12 thunderstorm generator to create a perpetual thunderstorm over the school, with all these lightning strikes destroying everything! I mean, after a few days, everything is reduced to rubble, new dorm and all! WEASEL So everyone is killed? ZOPE Not at all! What we do, see, is start teleporting everyone to Ancient Rome--guns, grenades, missile launchers, and all! Think of the chaos! Think of the utter disaster! WEASEL Uh--what about after that? ZOPE Well, now here's the good part. The students, administrators, police, National Guardsmen, TV news crews, protesters, and the like eventually take over Ancient Rome and are poised to take over the rest of the world, see? WEASEL Yeah? ZOPE But then Jesus comes and kicks their ass with his superpowers! WEASEL Okay, okay... ZOPE Wait! I didn't tell you about the olive oil tidal wave, or, or, or the horde of ankylosauruses, or the deadly hail of Thor Hammers... or, or... WEASEL I have a better idea... ZOPE What? WEASEL Why not just break Pat Sajak's legs--wouldn't that be easier? ------------------- Text Zope 022: "Zope's Nudity Laundromat" (From OsoaWeek 031, 2/23/95) ----------- ZOPE Nudity is good. WEASEL You think? ZOPE Yes. I want some naked girls. Now. WEASEL Okay Zope, but how do you propose we get them? ZOPE Okay, how 'bout--uh, a free laundromat where only hot girls can enter and where you can only wash the clothes you're wearing when you enter? Hey? Pretty good plan, eh? WEASEL I don't know--it sounds like you're going off on one of your tangents again--making things more complicated than they need to be... ZOPE Nonsense! How much simpler could a plan be? WEASEL Okay--but what happens once the girls are naked? What do they do? ZOPE How should I know? They do naked girl things! Whatever! Look--who cares? I mean, with naked babes, how can you go wrong? WEASEL Well all right--but I still think we could go about things a little easier. Later... (In front of "Zope's Nudity Laundromat".) ZOPE (using megaphone) Step right up! Free laundry for bitchin' babes! Get naked and junk! Yes indeed ladies, a once in a lifetime offer! WEASEL Zope, I don't think this is working. ZOPE Y'know Weez, I think I agree. Guess it's time to break out the foldout naked girl reality clones I've been saving. WEASEL You had those all the time!? ZOPE Well yeah--but I figured it was too simple to just UNFOLD naked girls--I felt something a little more complicated was in order! WEASEL *Sigh.* -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- -----