|| -------- -- ----- A E R I E O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- TEXT ZOPE 1-11 -------- || Zope || Text Zope || -------> (Cup ZPtz001, Created v3 (10/3/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = ------------------- Text Zope 001: "Zope and a Victim of Beverage Hostility" (From OsoaWeek 001, 7/28/94) ----------- TIN ALLEY RASCAL Ah! Hello there Zope. So good to see you. Would you like to come to the antique fair with me? ZOPE, with mustache, glares at TIN ALLEY RASCAL. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Are you quite all right? ZOPE I don't know who this "Zope" guy is--but he must be a real turd if he goes to antique shows with the likes of you! TIN ALLEY RASCAL (taken aback) Well if you aren't Zope, then who are you, if I might ask? ZOPE My name is Lester Gulpem, Savior to the Parched Masses. My new line of beverages will be on store shelves in a week. Care for a sneak preview? TIN ALLEY RASCAL Er--beverages? Come now, Zope! This charade of yours is causing me a great deal of stress! ZOPE (smiling) Come over here, my confused friend! Behold--the future of liquid refreshment! A showcase of cans of soda is revealed: Lummy--Pancake Beverage Squotha--Hash Brown Beverage Hander--Pasta Beverage Existy!--Pretzel Beverage Tebble--Eggplant Parmigiana Beverage Fra--Olive & Strawberry Beverage Thids--Marzipan Beverage Ealnue--Mustard Beverage Blale--Succotash Beverage Xob--Leather Beverage TIN ALLEY RASCAL My goodness! What a motley assortment! ZOPE (ignoring Tin Alley Rascal) Psst, over here. There were two other flavors, but my bastard distributor rejected them. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Whatever could they be, my good man? Zope shows Tin Alley Rascal two cans of soda: Bojint--Veal-Ammonia-Marshmallow Beverage Slycraz--Relish-Taffy-Venison Beverage ZOPE You seem like a reasonable guy. Taste these and tell me what you think. Maybe you could talk some sense into that scumbag distributor. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Well, er, you know I would Zope, er, I mean Lester. But I simply must get to the antique fair you know! Zope pulls out a submachinegun and puts it to Tin Alley Rascal's head. ZOPE Drink up, friend. Or I'll do the same thing to you I did to those other distributors who wouldn't carry ANY of my brilliant beverages. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Dear me! ------------------- Text Zope 002: "Zope's Very Large Lawnmower" (From OsoaWeek 002, 8/4/94) ----------- ZOPE This is the life! Driving around in a giant lawnmower! Watching CNN on the tube! Drinking can after can of Japanese wonderdrink Pocari Sweat! WEASEL Yeah Zope, it's really great, but I think-- ZOPE I mean, just look at that bank of fifteen Mappy arcade machines over there. Whenever I feel like playing Mappy, I can play it! It's great! WEASEL I like Mappy too Zope, but you should really-- ZOPE And the cool artificial waterfall and river--I always said, if I was gonna get a lawnmower, I'd get the very best! WEASEL Zope, you really have to take a look at where we're-- ZOPE And best of all, an entire Sharper Image store in the concourse down below. I love all that high-tech novelty crap they-- CRUNCHA CRUNCHA SHLORP! BANG SLAP WHIRP! CRUNCHA CRUNCHA CRUNCHA GLUNK! SLICE REND YOW YOW! CRUNCHA CRUNCHA CRUNCHA! ZOPE What the hell was that? WEASEL That's what I've been trying to tell you Zope! We were heading right for the nursery school, where the kids were out playing in the playground! We creamed 'em! ZOPE Well why didn't you tell me, Weasel? Must I do everything around here? WEASEL I tried Zope, but you just kept musing about how great this darn lawnmower is. ZOPE You know Weasel, I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for this--if you had let me known, I could have turned the camcorder on! You know what that sort of footage is worth? WEASEL Sigh. ------------------- Text Zope 003: "Get Harpoon, The Game" (From OsoaWeek 003, 8/11/94) ----------- ZOPE Okay kids, my name is Zope and I'll be your counselor at day camp. KIDS Hi Zope! Hey Zope! How ya doin' Zope! REALITY LORD TITAN So Zope, I trust you're enjoying the first day of your new job? I knew this would be the most unbearable torture I could inflict upon you for your crimes, especially that thing where you suffocated an entire continent of people and animals with a planetoid-size glob of peanut butter. ZOPE This is nothing, pal. I can take it. REALITY LORD TITAN We'll see. Now I must be off. Have a fun day! Hahaha! ZOPE Okay kids, now that old Mr. Supreme Force in the Universe is gone we can have some real fun! KIDS Yay! Alright! Yeah! ZOPE Okay! This game is called 'Get Harpoon'. It's kind of like 'King of the Hill', except you have to climb to the top of this nice, shiny, sharp harpoon and stay there. Any questions? KIDS Won't that hurt us? Yeah, I'll get cut! No way! ZOPE Now come on children, be reasonable. Would I try and kill any of you, knowing that Reality Lord Titan is watching everything I do? KIDS Well... ZOPE Okay! Come on! Let's play! KIDS Okay. Maybe I'll give it a shot. Why not? We're safe. The kids start to climb up the harpoon, but suddenly Reality Lord Titan appears. REALITY LORD TITAN Aha! I leave you alone for a few minutes and already you're trying to kill these kids! What a bad, bad counselor you are! ZOPE Watch your mouth, superior boy. REALITY LORD TITAN Shall I do it then, Zope? Shall I impose the ultimate punishment upon thee? Shall I make you LIKE YOUR JOB and BE NICE? ZOPE (grabbing the harpoon) Okay bub, that's it. REALITY LORD TITAN Ho ho! Ever the rebellious one! ZOPE Meet 'Godslayer', Titan. A harpoon forged long before the dawn of time. You're dead, pal. You're dead meat. REALITY LORD TITAN Pshaw! Zope stabs Reality Lord Titan with the harpoon, but nothing happens. ZOPE Dammit! I knew it! I knew it would happen! I left the real Godslayer at home--this is just the Franklin Mint historically-accurate reproduction! Reality Lord Titan smiles. Soon... ZOPE (smiling) Okay, kids! Isn't this great! How 'bout another game of Capture the Flag! Or Red Rover! There's bug juice for ya in the cabin! Bockly the Magic Clown will put on a show later! I just love being your counselor, and heck, your pal as well! ------------------- Text Zope 004: "Zope and the Wine Flautist" (From OsoaWeek 004, 8/18/94) ----------- ZOPE Okay Joe, what the hell is so cool you tore me away from the Donny Most film festival? MASTER JOE Heh heh. Wait till you see it! Got a great bargain on it at the Vlorpic Evilmart in Ragville. ZOPE It better be good chum. It was just getting to the party scene in 'Leo & Loree'! MASTER JOE (opening door to his volcano) It is. Now, step right in, and be prepared to be amazed. RAT 17 (greeting the two) Ready, Joe? MASTER JOE Yup! Rat 17 pulls a lever, raising a curtain at the far end of the room. A humanoid figure made of a dark red liquid is shackled to the wall, shivering. ZOPE What the hell? MASTER JOE It's a Wine Flautist! A flute player composed entirely of red wine. Pretty cool, eh? ZOPE Not bad Joe. Not bad at all. But where's his flute? WINE FLAUTIST (suddenly) Please! I'll do anything! Just let me go! I'm just a regular guy, who can play the flute, and who got turned into wine by a sexy evil witch! MASTER JOE Shut yer mouth! Or I'll dump you in the middle of a homeless shelter! ZOPE You bought that thing, can't you keep it quiet? MASTER JOE I wish. But c'mon now, you gotta see this. It's the best! Master Joe walks over to the wine flautist, unchains his arms, and takes a flute out of a drawer. WINE FLAUTIST No, not that! Anything but that! MASTER JOE (shoving flute toward the wine flautist) Play it pal! You're not a person anymore, so you don't have any rights! You're a frickin alcohol beverage! So play or else! Hesitantly, the wine flautist puts the flute to his lips, then starts playing, and wine shoots out from all the holes in the flute. Zope, Master Joe, and Rat 17 all break out in hysterics. MASTER JOE (struggling to speak through his laughter) Okay! Okay buddy. You can stop--ha ha ha--you can stop now! The wine flautist stops playing and is quivering in fear worse than before. MASTER JOE Har! Har! What a riot! Thanks pal, that's the best laugh we've had in awhile! Go ahead Zope, give him the wand! ZOPE (handing the wine flautist a magic wand) Here ya go! Ha! Ha! Good show! That was a riot! You can--haha--you can use the wand to turn yourself back into a human, then teleport yourself back to your world and defeat that evil sexy witch. Okay pal! There you go. WINE FLAUTIST R-r-r-really? MASTER JOE Yeah Wine Boy! We just wanted to have a little fun with you! Go ahead, turn yourself back! The wine flautist taps himself with the wand and turns back into a human being. WINE FLAUTIST (stunned) It--it worked! How can I ever thank you? ZOPE Well friend, after you teleport yourself back to your home, instead of destroying the sexy witch, just strip her of her magic powers and teleport her to my stronghold. I'll take care of her from there. WINE FLAUTIST Okay--I'll do that! Thank you ever so much! MASTER JOE Stop jabbering and get outta here! What--did you think we were really such psychos that we'd keep you shackled up here to amuse all our friends? What do you think we are, monsters? WINE FLAUTIST (teleporting out) No--I'm sorry for insulting you. You've saved my life--and my career! ZOPE What a gas! Now you're sure that witch's sister'll turn him into canola oil when the wand runs out, and you can buy him back? MASTER JOE I'm sure. What a gullible idiot that guy is! And you get a powerless evil sexy witch out of the deal to boot! RAT 17 Everyone should shop at Vlorpic Evilmart! ------------------- Text Zope 005: "Zope and the Mystery Coolidge" (From OsoaWeek 014, 10/27/94) ----------- ZOPE Okay, who the hell is that? (VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS) It is I, who both am and am not, who watches from the blackness, waiting to strike, silent, unknown. ZOPE Wait a minute--are you another one of those goddamn Calvin Coolidge clones of Ed Ape's? One of those spy clones? (VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS) Ha ha ha! My identity is unknown to all! ZOPE (firing a harpoon gun) Get over here you reject! The harpoon hits the Mystery Coolidge, and Zope drags him out of the shadows. MYSTERY COOLIDGE Agh! No! I cannot be seen! My master will punish me! ZOPE How fucking typical. Now to figure out what to do with your sorry ass. MYSTERY COOLIDGE Go ahead and kill me--you might as well! ZOPE Oh ho! I don't think so! I have a much better fate for you! Huh! I'll finally get to use my Invasive Clone Reeducation Instrument! MYSTERY COOLIDGE NO!!! Later... MASTER JOE Huh! Look at that! I never knew a Mystery Coolidge could make such a good Bike Messenger Coolidge! ZOPE Yeah--and I can't wait to see how Ed Ape likes the package I'm sending him. MASTER JOE What is it? A neutron bomb? The Black Plague? A maggot-ridden headless rabid muskrat? ZOPE Nah, it's just ten pounds of pure vitamin A--he'll go nuts trying to figure out what it is! ------------------- Text Zope 006: "Zope and Mall Fun" (From OsoaWeek 015, 11/3/94) ----------- ZOPE Well Weasel, here we are in the mall parking lot! WEASEL Now what are we going to do again? ZOPE We're gonna tell people lies and get them to buy us stuff! WEASEL Oh. So where is everybody? ZOPE The mall doesn't open for another fifteen minutes. WEASEL Why get here so early? ZOPE You'll find out--look! Two security guards park and start walking into the mall, glancing suspiciously at Zope and Weasel. WEASEL So? ZOPE It's the best part! After we start hassling people, someone will inevitably inform mall security, and we can have fun fighting with them! WEASEL You know Zope, that's why I like being your friend--you think up ways of having fun no one else would ever dream of! ZOPE Yeah, and I didn't even tell you the part about the insane adolescent virgin fighter pilots or the antimatter death cannons yet! ------------------- Text Zope 007: "Supermarket Zope" (From OsoaWeek 016, 11/10/94) ----------- ED APE Hello Zope. How nice to see you here at the supermarket. ZOPE I'm only here to steal and kill. If you don't want one or the other done to you, get the fuck out of my way. ED APE Now Zope, be a nice shopper. Choose some good food and then go pay for it. ZOPE Raisin bran! Zope hurls a box of raisin bran at Ed Ape, but he ducks out of the way. It hits an unsuspecting shopper in the throat, killing her. ED APE Why do you kill all these poor, innocent people, Zope? ZOPE I wanna kill you--UNDEAD SCALLOP RAY TRICK! Zope zaps a package of fresh scallops with a ray gun, bringing them back to life, and guiding them to cling to Ed Ape. ED APE Hmph! Real mature, Zope. ZOPE Writhe in scallop hell, blasted simian! Someone taps Zope on the shoulder. MANAGER I'm the manager here--I hope you were planning on paying for those scallops and that raisin bran. Zope does not look happy. Cut to store manager, strung up to a bunch of shelves, arms wide, with spaghetti and other assorted pasta stabbed into his eyes, nose, mouth, etc. ZOPE Man! It's been too long since I did a good pasta crucifixion! ------------------- Text Zope 008: "Scientist Zope" (From OsoaWeek 017, 11/17/94) ----------- ATROV Hi Zope! ZOPE Shut up! I'm doing a very important experiment! Master Joe is dreaming, and he's gonna call me from a payphone in his dream! ATROV Oh come on Zope--that's not possible! ZOPE Someone as ugly and stupid as you isn't possible either, but you manage to exist! Suddenly, the phone rings. ZOPE Hello! Joe! You did it! MASTER JOE No, sorry Zope. I just woke up. It was one of those damn weirdo company payphones--it wouldn't take my calling card number! And Zope--I mean, you think I'd be charged, even if it did work? How much is Dreamworld to reality gonna be? Like a million bucks? ZOPE Did you ever hear of calling collect, goddammit? You get back to sleep and call me collect for goodness sake! Sheesh! ATROV Didn't work, huh? ZOPE Atrov, you're no scientist. SO GET OUT OF HERE! THIS LABORATORY IS FOR SCIENTISTS ONLY! BEGONE! ATROV Sorry--I though it was just your living room. ZOPE Get out! It's usually my living room but for now it's my temporary laboratory! The phone rings again. ZOPE Hello! MASTER JOE I tried again, but I couldn't decide--should I dial zero or 1-800-COLLECT? ------------------- Text Zope 009: "Virtual Reality Complaining Zope" (From OsoaWeek 018, 11/24/94) ----------- ZOPE Okay Fombat, come on--let's go. FOMBAT (in a Virtuality pod with HMD on) Aw no Zope! I gotta play one more game of Dactyl Nightmare! I just gotta! I think I'm really getting the hang of it! ZOPE You've had years to get the fricken hang of Dactyl Nightmare--it's the only game any of these lame-ass places ever has! I mean, what the hell? Imagine if all arcades only had Knights of the Round or something--and no other machines--ever! That's what this stupid Virtuality shit is like. FOMBAT Oh Zope! You know they used to have that sit-down Battletech kind of ride here! That was different. ZOPE That game sucked and it was here for about two weeks before they pulled it! VIRTUAL REALITY CLERK Um sir--you're going to have to step down from the platform unless you give me another boarding pass. FOMBAT reaches into his pocket, looking for a boarding pass. ZOPE (grabbing the CLERK by his collar) I'm tired of you people! Goddammit! It's a ticket, not a boarding pass! Get over it! It's just a video game! It's not anything special! CLERK (choking) Sir! Sir! I'll sue you if you don't put me down! ZOPE pushes the CLERK away, but instantly produces a grenade launcher and points it at the CLERK's head. ZOPE (pulling the trigger) Okay I'll see you in court! The CLERK is blown apart real good. FOMBAT What just happened? I can't see? ZOPE Don't worry, pal. It's part of your virtual reality experience! ------------------- Text Zope 010: "Zope and the Obscure Sticker" (From OsoaWeek 019, 12/1/94) ----------- ZOPE Why is there a giant Purple Pieman scratch-n-sniff sticker on my hovercraft? ED APE I thought you liked weird stuff like that. ZOPE hits ED APE in the face with a crowbar. ------------------- Text Zope 011: "Zope and Things to Do with Buildings" (From OsoaWeek 020, 12/8/94) ----------- ZOPE I want to destroy buildings. MASTER JOE Sound like a good idea to me! ZOPE But I'm bored with all the usual ways! Mind controlling Concorde pilots to crash into them, mass molecular destabilization, teleportation to the Inferno, the Giant, Really Really Giant Ostrich Egg gag--I mean, there has to be a better way! MASTER JOE How about that one where you teleport a half-inch diagonal slice of the building to Buenos Aires and the top of the building slides right off? ZOPE Yeah, but it doesn't destroy the WHOLE building, only part of it. MASTER JOE Yeah I guess you're right. ZOPE Wait a minute--I have it! MASTER JOE What? ZOPE Eight-trillion tons of pollen! MASTER JOE Um--well, it has, uh-- it has possibilities. ZOPE God fucking dammit! You're always dissing my ideas! MASTER JOE What does dissing mean? What is that--slang? ZOPE Screw you. -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- ----- |