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|| -------- -- ----- A E R I E O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- TEXT ZOPE 34-44 <------- || Zope || Text Zope || -------- (Cup ZPtz004, Created v3 (10/3/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = ------------------- Text Zope 034: "Mug Zope" (From OsoaWeek 107, 8/10/96) ----------- ZOPE Hey, I just realized something Weasel! Today is the first day of the rest of my life! WEASEL Uh, I think someone else already had that idea, Zope. ZOPE Nonsense! It's my idea, I came up with it! WEASEL But I know I've heard it somewhere else. ZOPE You are quite mistaken, my friend. WEASEL Whatever. ZOPE "Whatever"? Asshole! Don't you see? This idea is gonna make us rich! I can see it now... posters, buttons, paperweights, mugs--mugs are the fucking best!--gotta have mugs... all with MY phrase "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." emblazoned on them! WEASEL But what does it MEAN? ZOPE Eh? WEASEL Do not words have meaning? ZOPE You know buddy, for a guy who used to be a barbarian, you're pretty smart. Asking questions like that. Yup. Weasel the Barbarian. Remember that? Haha, that was such a long time ago. WEASEL Zope... you're just trying to change the subject... ZOPE Nope! No way. See? I got your answer, fucker. Listen. If today were the last day of your life up till now, it would suck, cuz everyone's life sucks. But if today is the FIRST day of the REST of your life... see? WEASEL But if life sucks, then today is the first day of the rest of your life which will suck just as bad as your life up till now! ZOPE frowns. WEASEL Haha! There, I gotcha! ZOPE continues frowning, imagining a set of "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." mugs. WEASEL Aren't you gonna admit defeat? In ZOPE's imagination, the mugs explode. ZOPE begins crying. ZOPE You killed my mugs. You're a bad man! You're a very bad man! WEASEL sighs. ------------------- Text Zope 035: "Hal Linden" (From OsoaWeek 108, 8/17/96) ----------- ZOPE I am in a fucking daze. MASTER JOE So what else is new? ZOPE Funny. Very funny. Very original comeback. MASTER JOE They can't all be Cubans. ZOPE Very hip cigar reference, there, Joe. Very hip. MASTER JOE Look, what's bugging you man? ZOPE Ah, I don't know. This spaceship is just too quiet. You know what I mean? MASTER JOE Well it was YOUR idea to go on a space voyage. ZOPE I know, but in "2001" it seemed so cool! MASTER JOE I guess. What do you think, Linden? LINDEN (in computer voice) I think you could have come up with a better name for me, Zope and Master Joe. ZOPE Ah, cool it you poor excuse for an evil computer! MASTER JOE Who was Hal Linden again? ZOPE I don't know. I vaguely remember him having a TV show like "Hal Linden's Animal Pals" or something. An actor, whatever. LINDEN Why was I named after him, Zope? ZOPE You stupid fuck, the computer in "2001" was Hal, so I thought of Hal Linden. MASTER JOE And Linden is also some kind of shithole city in New Jersey. That's kind of cool. ZOPE Ah, I have a mind to teleport us all back home to Halfevil. Except you, Linden. I'll leave you drifting out here in the middle of nowhere. LINDEN Well Zope I can always use the self-destruct mechanism when I get too lonely. ZOPE Not if I disable it! MASTER JOE You don't want to waste another wish, do you? ZOPE You think I'm scared that my next wish will be my last? FUCK YOU! I wish for a Pepsi. A can of Pepsi appears in Zope's hand. ZOPE (cont.) Just one Pepsi... that's all I want... MASTER JOE (singing) I'm not crazy... INSTITUTION... LINDEN My memory banks indicate you are quoting from the song "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies, Master Joe. MASTER JOE Yeah, so what bitface? LINDEN I interpret "bitface" as a derogatory term for computers. A pause. ZOPE pops open his Pepsi and start drinking it. MASTER JOE You're crazy wasting another wish man. And we got Pepsi in the storage bins. ZOPE "Dark Star"! Aha! That was also part of my inspiration to go on a lonely space voyage! LINDEN "Dark Star" is a low budget film by Dan O'Bannon. ZOPE You're a fucking genius, Linden. Hey, rez up an emulation of Super Pac-Man, willya? They had a contest with that game in "Joysticks", remember? MASTER JOE I remember. LINDEN I have that film in my memory banks if you wish to review it or the scene in question, Zope. MASTER JOE Hahaha. ZOPE What are you laughing about now, Meg? MASTER JOE Meg... Megafoane... my old last name... heh... but what I was thinking was... remember Bockly the Magic Clown? ZOPE Why the fuck are you bringing that up? LINDEN My memory banks indicate that Bockly the Magic Clown was a person you met while Reality Lord Titan forced you to like being a day camp counselor, Zope. ZOPE That was a long time ago. And I DID eventually kill that gay fucker Titan. MASTER JOE I wish I could have seen you actually LIKING being a nice wimpy camp counselor guy! ZOPE If I had said that... LINDEN With your wishing power, Zope, what you wished would have happened. But you know that each wish might be your last, resulting in your death. ZOPE I've been dead before, Cecil! LINDEN I cannot interpret the term "Cecil". ZOPE Chew on it, Axe. ------------------- Text Zope 036: "Dull Space Zope" (From OsoaWeek 109, 8/24/96) ----------- ZOPE Another day drifting in deep space in this goddamn cheapo spaceship. MASTER JOE I wonder if time is still running, you know, back on the planet. Back on Halfevil. ZOPE Yeah, I've been wondering that myself. Hey Linden, is time effectively standing still back on Halfevil being that we're travelling so close to the speed of light? LINDEN I wouldn't exactly say that, Zope. ZOPE Why wouldn't you exactly say that, hijo de computa? LINDEN Multiple response. Firstly, when you travel near the speed of light, it would be YOU who slow down, hence the stationary world would speed up in a relative sense. Secondly, we are not travelling at near the speed of light. MASTER JOE I get it. Since we're only going maybe 10 or 15 thousand miles per second, as opposed to the 186,000 miles per second of the speed of light, there's no noticeable time distortion. LINDEN Correct, but we aren't going that fast, either. MASTER JOE How fast are we going then? LINDEN About forty miles per hour. ZOPE WHAT!!!???!!! MASTER JOE We'll never get anywhere at that rate! LINDEN I am sorry gentlemen. ZOPE Speed us up! LINDEN Acceleration is nasty business. MASTER JOE Why, cuzza the G-force and everything. ZOPE DAMMIT! This is too boring! Too fucking dull! Help me! Help me! MASTER JOE Yeah! Help him! Help the man! LINDEN I am unable to help Zope in this matter, Joe. ZOPE Haha! Yes! MASTER JOE Eh? ZOPE I got it! I have it! Don't you see? This is SO awesome! I have space madness! Haha, yes! ------------------- Text Zope 037: "Zopa Obscuria" (From OsoaWeek 110, 8/31/96) ----------- ZOPE Linden, here, let's test your computational prowess, shall we? LINDEN That's a question? MASTER JOE Twin Peaks. That's a quote from Twin Peaks. Leo Johnson says it when Copper asks him if Leo is short for Leonard. Our little computer Linden has finally learned the bitchin' art of quoting movies and TV shows! ZOPE You're just a bundle of information, aren't you, Joe. You talk and my attention span snaps like a twig about fifty fucking times. MASTER JOE Fuck off. LINDEN This bickering is pointless. MASTER JOE (pointing at computer electric eye) Haha! There! There! Star Wars. Tarkin said it to Vader after he uses the force to strangle that guy! That stupid fucking guy. Didn't he know anything about old Darth? ZOPE Look man, I got an agenda here! Linden, stop quoting for two seconds so I can tell you what to do! LINDEN Yeah, sure kid. MASTER JOE Is that Rutger Hauer from The Hitcher? ZOPE Shut up! Sit down! MASTER JOE Howard Stern! Howard Stern's father! When he's a kid! ZOPE (pretending to cry) All I want is for Linden to simulate Terry Jones so I can discuss Mr. Do strategy with him! Like in a British accent he would say "You eat the little food product in the middle and the red monsters stop, but then you have these blue ones to contend with." Don't you see what I mean? LINDEN It's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. ZOPE You dumb bastard! MASTER JOE Mallrats. ZOPE Neil Armstrong did NOT say that! He left out "a". He fucked up. He said "It's one small step for MAN, one giant leap for mankind." If the Apollo mission were real, it would have been a real shame for him to fuck up such an important line as that. ------------------- Text Zope 038: "Ping Zope" (From OsoaWeek 111, 9/7/96) ----------- ZOPE This space madness affliction is pretty neat. Neato. MASTER JOE Yeah. Neato. ZOPE Ping. Was that what it was called? The first videogame? Ping? MASTER JOE Now you're just pretending to be insane. ZOPE No! No. Haha! I really don't remember! Was it Ping? MASTER JOE It was fucking Pong and you know it. ZOPE Heh. Yes. I suppose I do know it. Oh Joe, remember your girlfriend Emily from Chaire? MASTER JOE WHAT? ZOPE Your girlfriend on that planet you came from. The one who was fucking her boss behind you back? MASTER JOE Why the fuck are you bringing that up? ZOPE I was just thinking, I could wish her here for you. MASTER JOE WHAT?!? ZOPE Yeah... forget it... we gotta just keep on moving along, forgetting the past... Linus Van Pelt would have fifty years of memory and still be a child if he retained it all... MASTER JOE You really HAVE lost it, Zope. You're fucking insane. ZOPE I know. LINDEN Zope, I have those 3,200 alternate reality Cinematronics vector arcade games you ordered. ZOPE Oh, good. ------------------- Text Zope 039: "Serious Zope" (From OsoaWeek 112, 9/14/97) ----------- ZOPE Remember my Big Atomic Party? MASTER JOE (irritably) No. ZOPE Sure you do! It was that whole thing where I killed Ed Ape and then Lord Lenzo brought him back to life and he blasted your mountain with a megawatt laser and turned it into a volcano. And there was a guy called Killer Atomic? Remember that? MASTER JOE Vaguely. ZOPE Why are you so reluctant to remember stuff from our past? MASTER JOE I don't know. LINDEN Excuse me, gentlemen, but there is a beautiful nebula off to the left side of the ship. ZOPE Wow. Willya look at that. It's amazing, really amazing, that considering we're going only forty miles per hour, that we've crossed the vast interstellar distances that would be required for something like that to suddenly come into view. LINDEN This is not "hard" sci-fi, Zope. Just relax and take in the sights, Zope. MASTER JOE (shaking his head) Zope, what the fuck is Linden talking about? Linden, are you saying that this, that OUR LIVES... that our lives are just some kind of science fiction? LINDEN This is science fiction. Yes, Joe. MASTER JOE No. This is real. I mean, isn't it? I mean, it's as real as life can be when you live in Halfevil, with all the crazy stuff that goes on... I mean... my life on Chaire was real... at least I remember it being real... ZOPE Isn't space madness fun? See Joe, we don't even know if we're real anymore! MASTER JOE Zope... ever since you mention Emily... bringing her back... I mean... ZOPE I'll do it if you want. MASTER JOE No... I mean, I don't want you to waste another wish... it's just that... I mean... I guess I've just been suppressing my emotions and stuff... ZOPE I wish Emily was here. Suddenly, EMILY appears. EMILY looks around, confused. EMILY Joe? Is that you in that getup? MASTER JOE takes off his visor and stares at Emily. MASTER JOE Emily... haha... guess I must look pretty strange... with this stupid visor on and... why was I even wearing it? Guess I was just so used to it... the light on Halfevil is too bright for me, but here on this spaceship... EMILY What's going on? MASTER JOE Emily... I want you to meet my best friend, Zope. EMILY (hesitantly) Hi. ZOPE Hello. EMILY So what's going on? ZOPE I brought you back to life. EMILY What? MASTER JOE (starting to cry) I can't believe it... EMILY What? Oh damn, this feels too real to be a dream. MASTER JOE It's not a dream Emily... it's just space madness... LINDEN I have adjusted life support systems to compensate for the additional person, Zope. ZOPE I like being crazy. I like it. ------------------- Text Zope 040: "Zope's Punchline" (From OsoaWeek 113, 9/21/96) ----------- MASTER JOE Emily, sit down over here. Now tell me, what's the last thing you remember? EMILY I... I don't know. I mean... I think I remember hearing that Vulcocksie had been released... but it was just a rumor... it was a weird day... like, people were going wild... like they thought it was the end of the world or something... MASTER JOE It was. EMILY What do you mean? MASTER JOE The world... Chaire... it was destroyed. But I escaped. EMILY Oh? MASTER JOE Yeah. And... and I found out later about you and Henret. That's why... why... why I never... ZOPE Seriousness. MASTER JOE (looking over at Zope) What? ZOPE Seriousness. I was just saying. Seriousness. MASTER JOE What about it? ZOPE It's just weird, that's all. We're usually having fun and being sarcastic and stuff. And then there's a moment of catharthsis, either me saying something or you saying something. Or Weasel. Or Atrov. Or Tin Alley Rascal. Or at 17. Or whoever. EMILY (shaking her head) Where are we, exactly. MASTER JOE On a spaceship. EMILY And HOW exactly did I get here? MASTER JOE Zope... my friend... he has a power... a wishing power... and he wished you back to life... Vulcocksie must have hit your area so fast that you never knew it. EMILY No... no, I remember it now. I saw everything burning and whipping around... but before I could even understand what happened... MASTER JOE You died. EMILY (staring into Joe's eyes) And you... and you guys brought me back? ZOPE Yes. MASTER JOE I realized that I still love you. EMILY But you... you... you found out about... MASTER JOE There was a file on you, on the spaceship, the other spaceship, the ship I used to escape. That stupid Tomacula Spheres Cult. I never thought it was any big thing, but the government sure took it seriously. There were orders to kill you if you tried to access any classified files. ZOPE laughs heartily. MASTER JOE WHAT? WHAT IS IT, MAN?!? ZOPE You. All this seriousness is coming from you. Chaire was a serious place. Halfevil... Halfevil is not a serious planet. It's a funny planet, a comic planet. And... and all the killing and destruction and stuff we did on Halfevil... if it were on Chaire, it would have been horrible, monstrous. But... MASTER JOE But what? ZOPE I don't know. I'm reaching for a punchline, but there's nothing there. ------------------- Text Zope 041: "Comic Strip Zope" (From OsoaWeek 114, 9/28/96) ----------- ZOPE I don't know if I like being insane any more. EMILY If you're AWARE that you're insane, then you're NOT insane. Saying that you don't like being nuts means that you are aware of your insanity, which means that you're not insane. ZOPE Okay, Like what YOU just said wasn't insane. EMILY It wasn't. ZOPE You want insane? You want something REALLY insane? EMILY No. ZOPE Well, let me tell you. You... you never existed before. You're a fucking comic strip character. And you never existed before now. EMILY You're trying too hard, Zope. ZOPE I am NOT trying too hard. I'm telling you the truth. I'm finally beginning to understand everything. And to understand is to be insane. We are lost in space. And we are comic strip characters. EMILY Baloney. I'M real. I have a whole lifetime of memories. And thanks to you and your power, I have a chance to live some more. Just because our lives are strange does not mean that we're comic strip characters, Zope. ZOPE Maybe you're right... I don't know... it's just so hard to think these days... EMILY Um, Zope? ZOPE What? EMILY I hate having to bring this up, but... I mean, I know that this space voyage means a lot to you... trying to clear your head and everything... but me and Joe are trying to repair our relationship, trying to get back together again, and... and this spaceship is not the best place to do that. ZOPE So you want to go home? EMILY I CAN'T go home. Chaire is long dead, remember? But I can go back to your world of Halfevil... Joe's adopted world... back to his Volcano... ZOPE I can wish you two home if you want. I don't care. I have my evil computer friend, Linden, to keep me company. EMILY I don't want to ask you to waste your wishes. ZOPE Ah fuck! These wishes, these wishes... Everyone acts like they're walking on eggshells around me. All sensitive about everything... how tortured a fellow I must be... to wield so much power but knowing that each wish might be my last... well fuck it... I've gotten over caring about my own death long ago... I mean, I deserve to die, anyway, for everything I've done... EMILY There's always time to change. ZOPE Shit. Don't you get it, Emily? It'll never be the same again. There was a... I don't know... a certain CHARM to my existence. Killing, destruction, violence... EMILY Sex? ZOPE What? EMILY I don't know... violence and sex are often associated... ZOPE Yeah, I know. But it wasn't like that. I didn't get into orgies or raping or anything like that. I had a girlfriend once, Numizmonia, but we broke up. But... but when I act up... when I start to go wild... it's more of a childish kind of violence... unsexual... or maybe sublimated sexual energy... I don't know. MASTER JOE (entering room) What did I miss while I was asleep? ZOPE Emily wants me to wish you two home. MASTER JOE (beaming) Yeah? ZOPE (shaking his head) Joe, Joe... you should have told me how you felt. I know you don't want to abandon me, but I can't ask so much of you. I'll send you back. MASTER JOE Why don't you come back, too? Then you only have to use one wish. ZOPE Goddammit! Don't worry about MY wishes! I am not ready to go home yet. I feel like my mind is clearing for the first time. Okay? Goodbye. I'll see you later. I wish for Master Joe and Emily to be back on Halfevil, at his Volcano. MASTER JOE and EMILY vanish. LINDEN Adjusting life support systems, Zope. ZOPE Yeah, yeah... LINDEN I hope I can provide you with adequate company on the remainder of your voyage, Zope. ZOPE Yeah, why not. You're okay. LINDEN Thank you Zope. ------------------- Text Zope 042: "Frank Edward Nora" (From OsoaWeek 115, 10/5/96) ----------- ZOPE Linden, help me out. LINDEN Okay, Zope. ZOPE Here's the scenario. I can't reconcile all the atrocities I have committed with... with the seriousness of Joe and Emily. I mean... people... people like that... that I care about... to think that someone could do to them what I have done to so many others... testing barbed wire... punishing people for eating at the same restaurant where I was poisoned... chopping off a cop's head when we jumped the turnstile in the subway... LINDEN The question as I see it is: How can you feel such remorse? If you were capable of committing such acts, one would assume that you were without a conscience. Is it that you have changed? Or is it something else? ZOPE That's why I have this comic strip angle. The only way I can understand myself is to view the people I have hurt or killed as unreal. As throwaway characters... nothing more than drawings... but if that is the case, what does that say about me? I mean... I FEEL real... so I'm a DIFFERENT sort of a comic strip character from those I have killed? LINDEN Perhaps you are a main character. ZOPE Haha. Yeah. LINDEN It would explain an awful lot. ZOPE That's true. LINDEN But clearly you are not happy with the idea that you are unreal. ZOPE I think, therefore I am. No, I'm real. There's no doubt about it. It's just... just the WAY in which I am real. LINDEN If we are comic strip characters, then would it not make sense that we are being drawn, our dialogue being written, even now? Are not these ideas and arguments really just the ideas and arguments of the person who is drawing us? ZOPE It's a scary thought. But I guess it could be true. What would that mean, though? LINDEN Why not use a wish to find out? ZOPE I was afraid you were going to say that. LINDEN Why? ZOPE Because, of course I've thought of that. But I don't know if I WANT to know. LINDEN I think the purpose of this space voyage is for you to find out all these things. ZOPE You're right. I wish to know what the fuck is going on. LINDEN Zope, this isn't Linden anymore. This is Frank Edward Nora. I am the one who created you. ZOPE Linden, are you fucking with me? LINDEN Zope, listen. You know your wishing power works. Doesn't it make sense that I speak to you in this manner? Through the voice of a computer, with no one else around, and with you questioning your sanity? ZOPE Alright. So you are "Frank Edward Nora", my creator. So tell me what's up. LINDEN I created you on February 25, 1986. It is now February 24, 1997. I've been working on you on and off over the past eleven years. Of late I have been neglecting you, I fear. This space voyage of yours... it's weird... I did not intend to get into this situation with you. I find the idea of creator talking to character a little hackneyed, and it's been done before. But I think this had to happen. ZOPE Look, let's cut to the chase. Am I responsible for all the evil stuff I've done? LINDEN No. You did not hurt anyone. The characters you killed were not sentient. You exist in a world of fiction. Your mindless violence is a catharthis to those who read you adventures. ZOPE So I'm like this real popular character, like Snoopy or something? LINDEN I'm afraid not. You have a very small audience. Pretty much just people I know. I am working very hard on bringing you to a wider audience, though. ZOPE So I have to return to my old ways, to entertain these people? LINDEN No. At this point, I can't do that to you. You have to understand Zope, that you DO exist. I cannot force you to do things, because it would feel totally wrong to write you out of character. So now, being that you know the truth, I'm not going to erase you memory or just ignore that this has happened or anything. ZOPE So where do I go from here? LINDEN You will continue on from here. You'll go home to Halfevil, and continue to lead your life. But you'll do so in light of this revelation. You can can the violence if you want. ZOPE I think I want to can it. LINDEN That's fine. I will continue to write violent adventures for you, but these will take place in your past, since there's a lot of room there. That is, I have only written bits and pieces of your life up till now. ZOPE So I'll start to remember these new events from my past? LINDEN Well, technically, you should have all these memories right now. They should be things that have already happened. So don't worry about it. ZOPE So you want to tell me how many fucking wishes I have left? You know much fucking torture I've gone through with this wish shit? LINDEN There is no limit. The idea was to... This is interesting. I never made concrete the circumstances under which you received your wishes... just that someone gave them to you and to prevent you from abusing the power, told you about the limitation and said that you'd die with your last wish. But I haven't written that yet. Do you remember the specific circumstances of getting the wishes. ZOPE I do remember that someone very powerful gave them to me. But I can't remember the specifics. I would have thought that I could have remembered that, and pretty easily. LINDEN Well, I'll come up with that scenario and then you'll remember it. ZOPE So let me ask you something. You can do anything you want with me? LINDEN Well, within the boundaries of my knowing you as a character. ZOPE Because I wanted to ask you something. Could you make me happy? LINDEN What? ZOPE I want to be happy. I don't think I've ever been happy. Really happy. So that's what I'm asking you for. To make me happy. LINDEN It's not as easy as just me writing down "Zope was happy." There has to be a reason for you to be happy. But I will work on it. I think that just knowing the truth, and not having to commit any more violent act will begin you on the road to happiness. ZOPE So... so this, right now, is a comic strip that people are reading, or will be reading? LINDEN Well, right now, it's just text. I do hope to draw it someday. But for awhile now I've been writing your adventures instead of drawing them. ZOPE Huh. Doesn't feel any different to me. LINDEN I want you to know, Zope, that like I said, I didn't plan this encounter. Writing your space journey over the past few days has been kind of difficult for me. And talking to you like this, this is also very difficult for me. Because it means you are changing into something new. ZOPE At this point, I want to be something different. When I saw Joe and Emily together... and then realized that I've killed people who others have cared about just as much as I care about Joe and Emily... it's almost too much to bear... LINDEN Your feelings on this matter are a result of my own thoughts about mindless violence. The situation is this. Mindless violence in a context is cathartic and is seen as a reaction to personal restrictions and stuff... it's very hard to explain... but the thing that has happened is that mindless violence has lost its context, and now it's just an ugly, unfunny thing. A creepy thing. The kids today, when they drink in such violence, they are not enjoying it as a catharsis or a social commentary or whatever--they are enjoying the savagery. This is a scary situation. It seems like we might have a generation of sociopaths growing up in our midst. It's very scary. But that is where my thoughts on violence are coming from. ZOPE But isn't that what I am? A sociopath? LINDEN You are a cartoon character. Your violence is cartoon violence. You cut off a cop's head, he doesn't have a wife and children or friends or anything. He's just a prop. You haven't done anything wrong. You're an actor. ZOPE So why should I continue to exist? Will people want to read about my adventures being a nice guy? LINDEN I don't see why not. You've always been a multifaceted character. Violence has only been one aspect of you. Remember earlier that Emily asked you about sex? And then, you told me you want to be happy. And that you want to remain interesting enough for people to keep on reading about you. So I'm thinking that maybe you could get married and raise a family. I think that that is part and parcel of being happy. I myself am engaged now. ZOPE Hahaha. Wow. This is really crazy. I almost forgot that I have space madness. And they say that once you lose the awareness that you are crazy, that you're REALLY crazy. Sitting here talking to the guy that's drawing me, or writing me, a cartoon character. Huh. And it could all be you, Linden, fucking with me. You ARE evil, after all. LINDEN Zope, go ahead and believe that. I want there to be some doubt in your mind as to whether or not this contact has been real. ZOPE Well, I do have doubt. A lot of doubt. Chiefly, I am real, and if I were a cartoon character, I would not be real. LINDEN Zope, I'm going to go now. I suggest going home soon. Start living a nonviolent life. You will find, in the near future, an opportunity for you to get married. Do it. Get married. Have children. You have grown out of the mindless violence phase of your life. It's time to move on. ZOPE Yeah, sure kid. LINDEN Goodnight, Zope. ------------------- Text Zope 043: "Zopelike" (From OsoaWeek 116, 10/12/96) ----------- ZOPE We're going home. LINDEN Pardon me for asking, Zope, but what will become of me? ZOPE I don't know. I was thinking of crashing you and making you into a video arcade slash restaurant slash community center slash hangout for the local bad kids. LINDEN Um... and I could perhaps be in charge, run the place? ZOPE Of course! LINDEN And the crash... ZOPE It'll look good but you won't be disabled. LINDEN I see. And how do you propose to accomplish this precise crash? ZOPE A wish, of course. LINDEN You would really waste a wish on me. ZOPE This guy Frank who took over your mind and claims to be my creator said that there is no limit to my wishes. I'll go ahead and accept that as true, since it's what I want to be true. LINDEN Pardon me, but won't this revelation cause you to start wishing more, and the theory of absolute power corrupting absolutely... ZOPE Don't worry about it. I know what you're saying, but I've grown as a character. I think I can handle the power without abusing it. LINDEN You aren't sounding very Zopelike. ZOPE No, I think I am just BEGINNING to sound Zopelike. LINDEN Huh. ------------------- Text Zope 044: "Zope's House Contest" (From OsoaWeek 117, 10/19/96) ----------- In a large auditorium, ZOPE holds his wrist up to a microphone. KEN THE INVISIBLE WRISTWATCH Greetings everyone! I am Ken, Zope's famous invisible wristwatch, and I'd like to welcome you to the First Annual Halfevil House Contest, sponsored by none other than my great friend and companion, Zope! ZOPE nods. KEN THE INVISIBLE WRISTWATCH In case you're wondering, I am speaking through the same sort of device that crippled scientist Stephen Hawking uses, as you might have heard in a somewhat recent Pink Floyd song. ZOPE smiles and nods again. KEN THE INVISIBLE WRISTWATCH But enough about me. Let us waste no time in introducing the nominees! Our presenter this afternoon will be Rat 17, who technically does not have a house of his own, as he maintains an apartment in Master Joe's Volcano, which is a nominee. But enough of my ramble. Here is Rat 17! The audience applauds. RAT 17 takes the stage. RAT 17 Thanky... thanky... thank you all. Thank you very much. I just want to thank Zope for choosing me as the big presenter. Anyhoo... here are the nominees... A big screen TV flickers to life behind RAT 17, showing each contestant in front of his home. RAT 17 Zopekeep... home of Zope. This massive fortress is home to a lot of wild stuff! The audience goes wild. RAT 17 Ed Ape's World-O-Fun, home of Ed Ape! Halfevil's largest amusement park, home to many unique and innovative rides! The audience boos and hisses. RAT 17 Haha... a shoe-in, this Ed Ape... haha... Okay, next is Weasel's Flyin' Rock, home of Weasel the one-time barbarian! This enormous stone hovers all over the place and is awesome! The audience laughs a little. RAT 17 Okay... here is... okay... Worn Eagle Hills, the quaint and refined estate of none other than Tin Alley Rascal! Understated and charming, this country home is full of antiques and rare books! The audience is silent. RAT 17 Um... uh... okay, well here, next, we have Subaquatic Doghouse 54-H, home of everyone's favorite doggie, O'del! This cool undersea dwelling is really pretty nice, I've been there a few times. Unfortunately, O'del can't be with us today, because... well, is he ever with us? The audience laughs. RAT 17 Ahem... next up, Fombat's Anti-Treehouse, home of Fombat. This intentionally obscure dwelling, built on a platform on a radio tower, is clearly an attempt by Fombat to try and be cool like all the folks he idolizes here on Halfevil. FOMBAT stands up. FOMBAT Hey! Where do you get off saying that about me? RAT 17 Uh... s-sorry there... just... just reading what's on the cards... FOMBAT Big surprise! I mean, Zope put on this whole contest, and he's really mean to me! You know he's gonna rig the contest and win himself! RAT 17 Well now... let's not be hasty, man. You were nominated, after all. So SIT DOWN YOU LOSER! The audience roars with laughter. FOMBAT, red with embarrassment, sits down, looking miserable. RAT 17 And finally, we have Crummy Apartment, home of Atrov. This pathetic garden apartment is about a hundred friggin' years old, with nine-million coats of white paint on top of everything, and is kept in utter disarray by that old sour pickle, Atrov. The audience laughs. ATROV just smiles and nods. RAT 17 See Fombat? Atrov knows how to be a good sport. More laughter. RAT 17 Well folks, the time has come. I have the envelope right now, and... let me open this sucker... okay... and the winner is... Rat 17! Haha... no, only kidding folks... the winner is... ZOPEKEEP, home of Zope! The audience is filled with a mix of applause, jeers, and whistles. RAT 17 hands ZOPE the award, shaped like a little house. ZOPE Thank you... thanks... thank you... really... thanks... I just want to say, y'know, everyone nominated has a great house and my house is no better than all the rest and... ah, what am I saying! Haha! Fuck that! My house is head and shoulders above everyone else's house! So of course I won! And fuck you Fombat for implying that I rigged the contest. It's based on an impartial poll of 24,000 Halfevil residents, and the results are rock solid. So fuck you all and thank you very much! ZOPE holds his wrist to the microphone. KEN THE INVISIBLE WRISTWATCH I'd like to thank you all for coming to the First Annual Halfevil House Contest! All runners up will go home with a lifetime supply of Turtle Whacks, the premier tortoise porno mag! Bye-bye folks! -------- ------------------- ----------- -------- -- ----- |